Demise and Births of Months

I read the posts; and somehow I managed some optimism; because a Blue Moon was going to be lucky? Seems I did not make that mailing list. As my sleep progressed to ruin, so did the relationships in my life. Perhaps I was foolish in opening a door in which there could be communication. I want there to be. I'm deluded in thinking that it's simple, or we want the same things. That's just not going to happen. Need to deal with it, I don't have a choice. The comment of "moving forward", I don't even know what that looks like in my life, but I absolutely am envious of it.

Obviously, my unwillingness to deal with anyone's drama this week set fire to several fuses, and I have repeatedly found myself on the receiving end of guilt trips, hostility and apathy. Oddly enough, those friends that never ask a thing of me, have no expectations of me, lauded me and praised me. I don't know what to make of that? Am I keeping bad company? I don't ever ask for anything; expect anything... but I guess that isn't true... I don't expect to be treated like shit by these people. I go thru pains to not upset people's lives, but I don't seem to receive the same consideration. At the very moment I begin to convince myself that everything is okay, and I can deal with this - something else comes along; a text, an email, a call, or a post that puts me right back to hurt. Each and every time that happens, I immediately break out into a sweat and get nauseous... seriously, what is this? Can I have a mutual relationship with someone where we can spend time together, romantic or not, that is just healthy, real, and beneficial for us both? I don't think it fucking exists.

It is so ironic to me that I emerged from a marriage that was crippled by broken communication and developed a healthy respect for it, and I fall into a pattern of involving myself into the lives of people struggling to do just that. I have been through more hurt since the beginning of the year, than I have since I was a teenager. I deserve this somehow, because it is what I am offered. If I was meant for something else, I would have it. It's only made worse by the promise of something amazing. So, I revert back to what I know... hurting myself to escape the hurt of others. Thankfully with the hipster culture we have here in Orlando, I fit right in with my summer sweaters.

I am not bitching, and I am not singling anyone or anything out. Truth is, I am a broken machine by my own creation. Probably for longer than I realize. My life's analogy would be Old Testament and New Testament, along with the Lost Gospels. No one to blame but myself, and at some point I need to figure out why, and what to do to change my patterns. I am so frightened by love and relationships right now; even more frightened by myself in those circumstances. Not sure what step two is when I am still dazed by step one.