California... Explained

Well, I got the calendar prompt when I opened my work email first thing this morning, "Call Rich at 11:30". The big moment! I wasn't sure what to expect, this whole process has been so convoluted like every time I've applied for a supervisor position in this company. In preparation for anything: rejection, promotion or interview - I jotted down some of the scenarios I'd thought out for those difficult, put you on the spot interview questions. 11:30 came in no time and I found myself talking to Rich, the hiring manager. He didn't waste a lot of time getting to the "it's not you" part - but that was fine. He explained that I was his top candidate, that I did better in my informal interview than every other candidate did in their series of interviews, and that I was the only one who possessed everything that would make me a great asset to their center. However, because of time constraints and the nature of the role - I was not the best fit. Their hope is to bring in someone green that can be brought up to speed slowly, not mind entry-level pay and devote a lot of their time to filling gaps that normally their reports would be doing. Because of those reasons - justifying the pay I requested for the work they needed was not approvable. However, he went on to explain that the San Diego supervisor was on the fence about whether or not to relocate which could potentially open the door to another position early next year. We shall see. I chose to believe nothing and continue to take everthing one day at a time. And yes, it's a little disheartening and disappointing - a world where top candidate doesn't mean you have a new job is... well... stupid. But, I'm otherwise fine. I like it here in Orlando - it's all still new and the people I've met are unique, interesting, creative, and most importantly - genuine. That's priceless to me.

Where I Am

Seems, when I think I know what to expect, or at least mentally I've set myself up for dealing with the inevitable, fate throws me a curve ball. Suddenly, the distance that I thought would help me cope with being alone must be weighed against the possibility of a promotion. I've decided one thing - if I don't for any reason take a promotion that would have me relocate to California, assuming one was offered, then I have no business staying at the job I have. It's either do something new or give up ever wanting to do something better or different, and give up being challenged by work. At my age and my income, this may be my last opportunity to progress. All the pieces seem to be falling into place as if a sign that I should go. The money is likely there; the best idea I have at a Calif. budget suggests I can survive fine; even the hiring manager will happen to be in town in the next two weeks and we can meet; and I happen to be the only candidate who will likely not only know all the payroll platforms the new position will utilize, but I also have experience working in a brand new processing center and all the hurdles we faced. I know everyone that hears me is thinking I am chasing May across the country and all of this has more to do with her than any job - to be honest - I am trying to sort all of that out myself. Why am I really open to this idea of moving to California? I won't know that answer until I have time to myself to think about it. Wherever the truth may lie - if I don't apply - I will never know if I was good enough to have this promotion... if I do - at least I can still change my mind if things progress past the initial interview. Whether or not I want to start anew is not an option, what's best for me as I go through the process is up to me. Either way I will be among friends, which does put me at ease.

Fear, Freedom .. Follow

This morning I watched a several-hour documentary that explained the Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. This wasn't the normal fare of familiar clips and Time Life journalism, this was an inside look at how it happened - and how Germany as a whole got enraptured by Nationalism. The footage was from journalists, residents, and party members within Germany. Much of the footage has never before been seen, and much of the documentary is illegal to show in Germany. Following WWI - Germany was destitute and left to their own devices - anarchy and vigilante-justice were driving forces in decimating any sense of normalcy for all classes of German citizens. It was in this atmosphere that the charlatans took stage and promised a new frontier for Germany - but only one managed to grasp hold of the hopes and possibilities of the populous. "An ugly, convulsive, and repulsive individual" was how even Hitler's own party members described him - but regardless - he showed the drive, passion, and understanding of how to rebuild a broken nation. Though he never won an election, and only achieved 37% of the popular vote - he still lead the largest political party in Germany and it led to his appointing of Chancellor of Germany - a figurehead position without power. America's financial collapse sent shockwaves across the European continent and left Germany's citizens desperate for change, and the only beacon of something new were Communists and Nationalists - and in a brilliant move - the Parliament was mysteriously bombed and the Communists were blamed. The populous suspected this as a cover-up, but immediately free press and free assembly were suspended. More concerning to citizens than the reality that their phones could be tapped and letters read - was that opposing the Nazi Party was hazardous to your health. And overnight - the population that wasn't already endorsing the new party - were supporting them out of fear. From then on - it was easy. The propaganda machine kicked into overdrive and all Communists were expelled from the country, and then staged assaults on German towns were blamed on Poles, and Communists were nefarious rapists and murderers, on and on. As long as the war didn't come into Germany and people felt powerful and undefeatable - The Fatherland was infallible.

It occurred to me how similar this was to recent events - and how the lessons of history seem to offer a blueprint on how to corrupt civil liberties instead of an education on history's mistakes and broken dreams. I recalled the Patriot Act - bringing a nation to follow it's president into an illegal war built upon lies and misconceptions and sacrificing our civil liberties without so much as a say so. I thought about the Taliban, how in their efforts to protect themselves from Soviet invasion, bonded together and developed a fighting guerrilla force Al-Qaeda. Together - they became the saviors of the nation and thus - dictated Afghanistan's future. This happens all over the world - one person, one party determining the direction of a country. The revolution this incites is a natural progression, and it's the voice of the people being heard. Yes, it is frightening, devastating, and necessary.

Passover

Funny, I was in the kitchen doing dishes last week, Maisy was in the living room watching Dinosaur Train… the episode was about anniversaries. It donned on me that it was the anniversary of when we finally met in person. This was a big day in years’ past, but in light of the paths we’ve chosen, it nearly went without notice. I have to be honest, that was a pinch at reality for me. I’m in auto mode, and though appearance-wise, I am dealing with the impending divorce with surprising ease and comfort, the truth of the matter is, I’m not really dealing with anything at all. When I think about being alone, it is in the context that, “I can have a desk in the bedroom again”, “When I get up in the morning, I won’t have to worry about waking anyone”, “I can come home and leave home when I want”, “I can work late and not have it ruin someone’s evening”. After about a day of all these claims coming to fruition – I will be left to deal with the idea that I am alone. I don’t have someone waiting for me, I don’t have someone to talk to everyday… and the idea of that sucks. Knowing that I could put on headphones and listen to music and not have to worry about missing a call is far more sad than it is liberating. That ‘pinch’ on our anniversary was a glimpse at how my brain is going to process the aftermath, and a reminder that I am currently not preparing or coping with it in the least.

Do I still have friends here without Maisy? I am not an artist, and that essentially constitutes our friends as a whole: artists. The belief among them is that I will simply disappear, and I don’t want to validate that assumption. I also don’t want a pity party, or a lot of awkward time spent at art events. So much of who I am has been as a supporter and provider to Maisy, that I imagine it would be hard for anyone that knows me on a social level to pin me down or describe me.

It goes back to having to find my passion for something, and connect with people thru that interest. Being myself should be enough, and if I don’t connect with people on that level, then I am among the wrong people. There is a handful of people I could certainly imagine connecting with, but there’s an arm’s length between us. I don’t think that connection is reciprocated. Mikey, Tracy, Ed, Ralph, Eric, Dillon – these are people I am beginning to be comfortable with; but I think that their love and support of Maisy makes things strange, and the knowledge that she’s leaving is furthering that awkwardness.

Complicating everything is the attitude my mom has taken. Similar to my days of always being in trouble: the air of disappointment and annoyance. I don’t know what I can tell her except to continue to be positive whenever we speak. Part of it is probably worry, knowing that in years’ past when left to my own devices – those devices were of a less than productive nature,

The one person I could seriously sit and talk to and get some support from is far-the-fuck away. Besides being happily married, the weight of the world is on his shoulders right now, and furthering burdening him with this seems cruel.

I’ve no succinct way to wrap all of this up. Making distance now is a poor choice, because I miss out on the time we have left and it makes the remaining days sad instead of fun; obliviously prancing into tomorrow seems reckless because then I am not coping or preparing myself for eventualities; putting on a brave face and accepting everything as it presents itself is the best I can do right now.

Happy New Year!?! ...

I spent the first seven hours of it at work; the usual celebratory routine for an operator in my field of work. It is the efforts of people like myself that get employees their W2s and 1099s timely as well as employers their tax information for their records and filing with various levels of government. We decimate a small forest to do so - well over a million pieces of paper will be printed in a 24-hour period. For the past 8 years, this has been my routine. I am good at it and I do like it - it's a test of physical and mental endurance. How sharp can you be on no sleep for 24-hours? Can you still throw around a 40 lb. box after doing so for the past 10 hours on the worst food choices possible? When I can't do it anymore - that's when I'll stop enjoying it. I was surprised last night/this morning - the co-worker I fully expected to have to dog was fully up to the task he was assigned and amazed me. The employee with tenure and only a year or two shy of me - was lazy, apparently dyslexic, and completely unprepared for the physicality I expected of my team. He spent 2/3 of his night in a chair listening to Aerosmith (late 80's Aerosmith mind you) and barely functioning as a Q/E operator. It doesn't help that he has a tainted touch, in that his mere presence among machinery wreaks only the most bizarre of events to unfold to cripple the machine. But we did a memorable showing last night and once again I buried the other shifts in what we accomplished. Probably 10 x the first shift and we didn't leave enough work for the following shift to even make a dent in what we did. I'm not boasting, it's just reassuring when I get an opportunity to show what I can do and my knowledge. Sort of like - "Here's what the person who wasn't qualified to be a supervisor can do compared to the shift with the supervisor. I hope it hurts a little going down." I will have to go back either tonight or tomorrow because one of the products we produce completely crashed and had to be restarted. The work it produces, only I am qualified to print. I'm debating returning tonight or doing it in the morning. We have a party to go to tomorrow night, so I don't know how full I want to make this weekend. If I go tomorrow-  that's 2 weeks without a day off. If I go tonight, I will have even less time to spend with May this weekend and I am already dragging ass.

Today is the first of what will soon be pretty commonplace in my life. I'm by myself. I don't know if I am not enjoying it because I am so run down right now or if because I know this is how it's going to be more often than not and there's been truly few instances in my life when I have been alone. I don't have a good report with myself and I talk myself into doing pretty idiotic things in bouts of self-loathing. I believe someone cannot fully love someone else, or more appropriately have a healthy relationship with someone else if they are lost themselves, or don't have an identity anymore. I need to find mine again. I was a writer; a musician; and I was responsible for someone incredible. I callously murdered that personality and only have the moody, dark, serious shell that most people see. It takes some doing to see me goof off. I have reasons for being that way that really aren't anyone's business, but my complete lack of responsibility and care for anyone but myself paid me a number of frightening wake-up calls up until about 10 years ago. I needed to prove that I could be responsible and loving and take care of someone, I've spent the past 9 years doing that. I failed unfortunately. I did not learn the lessons from my reckless youth... putting my life on hold and absolving myself from all wants and needs created a bigger issue...losing my identity. You don't realize how pale a portrait you paint until all the color you've known seeks a new canvas.

Life is just one lesson after another, and I've the bruises, scars, and memories just like anyone else. The difference probably between myself and most people I suppose is I never figured out how to care about myself and instead decided to let my care be the cares of whomever I was sharing my days. Big hearts = bigger chance you'll be reminded of just how big.