I spent the first seven hours of it at work; the usual celebratory routine for an operator in my field of work. It is the efforts of people like myself that get employees their W2s and 1099s timely as well as employers their tax information for their records and filing with various levels of government. We decimate a small forest to do so - well over a million pieces of paper will be printed in a 24-hour period. For the past 8 years, this has been my routine. I am good at it and I do like it - it's a test of physical and mental endurance. How sharp can you be on no sleep for 24-hours? Can you still throw around a 40 lb. box after doing so for the past 10 hours on the worst food choices possible? When I can't do it anymore - that's when I'll stop enjoying it. I was surprised last night/this morning - the co-worker I fully expected to have to dog was fully up to the task he was assigned and amazed me. The employee with tenure and only a year or two shy of me - was lazy, apparently dyslexic, and completely unprepared for the physicality I expected of my team. He spent 2/3 of his night in a chair listening to Aerosmith (late 80's Aerosmith mind you) and barely functioning as a Q/E operator. It doesn't help that he has a tainted touch, in that his mere presence among machinery wreaks only the most bizarre of events to unfold to cripple the machine. But we did a memorable showing last night and once again I buried the other shifts in what we accomplished. Probably 10 x the first shift and we didn't leave enough work for the following shift to even make a dent in what we did. I'm not boasting, it's just reassuring when I get an opportunity to show what I can do and my knowledge. Sort of like - "Here's what the person who wasn't qualified to be a supervisor can do compared to the shift with the supervisor. I hope it hurts a little going down." I will have to go back either tonight or tomorrow because one of the products we produce completely crashed and had to be restarted. The work it produces, only I am qualified to print. I'm debating returning tonight or doing it in the morning. We have a party to go to tomorrow night, so I don't know how full I want to make this weekend. If I go tomorrow- that's 2 weeks without a day off. If I go tonight, I will have even less time to spend with May this weekend and I am already dragging ass.
Today is the first of what will soon be pretty commonplace in my life. I'm by myself. I don't know if I am not enjoying it because I am so run down right now or if because I know this is how it's going to be more often than not and there's been truly few instances in my life when I have been alone. I don't have a good report with myself and I talk myself into doing pretty idiotic things in bouts of self-loathing. I believe someone cannot fully love someone else, or more appropriately have a healthy relationship with someone else if they are lost themselves, or don't have an identity anymore. I need to find mine again. I was a writer; a musician; and I was responsible for someone incredible. I callously murdered that personality and only have the moody, dark, serious shell that most people see. It takes some doing to see me goof off. I have reasons for being that way that really aren't anyone's business, but my complete lack of responsibility and care for anyone but myself paid me a number of frightening wake-up calls up until about 10 years ago. I needed to prove that I could be responsible and loving and take care of someone, I've spent the past 9 years doing that. I failed unfortunately. I did not learn the lessons from my reckless youth... putting my life on hold and absolving myself from all wants and needs created a bigger issue...losing my identity. You don't realize how pale a portrait you paint until all the color you've known seeks a new canvas.
Life is just one lesson after another, and I've the bruises, scars, and memories just like anyone else. The difference probably between myself and most people I suppose is I never figured out how to care about myself and instead decided to let my care be the cares of whomever I was sharing my days. Big hearts = bigger chance you'll be reminded of just how big.
