What am I doing with this blog, I never update it, then post about never posting whilst bitching myself out for being so lackluster with my words. I seriously have not written in the four effing months we've been here, and it's not like I was working! Nope, that didn't happen until this week, and here I am, about to whine about that.
I didn't exactly have stellar optimism, I know full well that being booted from college before I even finished a semester of my freshmen year and walking around as a 50 yr old with my high school diploma is a tragic way to impress anyone. I deluded myself long ago, the self-sacrifice and maniacal devotion to a job was going to win me favor in career life. My last job demonstrated in succinct precision what eighteen years of over-achieving, holiday-sacrificing, and over-arching perfection was worth. Oh, and that H.S. Diploma. So, of course, I didn't expect employers to beat down my door, and I didn't expect that sweet salary that had me living like an extinct middle class dinosaur. The job search in New Orleans was about as productive and responsive as the Sewage and Water Board; layers of silence and confusion. Coming to Asheville, I did not expect finding employment to be as much as a vacuum, but I also wasn't fully sure how things were going to pan out.
So, how has it gone? Weirdly... is that a thing? It feels like a sliding scale of success, sacrificing a little more with each collapsing opportunity. I've focused primarily on Human Resources/Benefits, recognizing that all my years in a print/production environment is as much an antiquated dinosaur as my band tees and H.S. Diploma. I want(ed) and HR Role that also was integrated with community or advocacy... money is important, but I also want to feel I am contributing my remaining years to something that's worthwhile.
So, my journey started at the almighty Y. Literally, less than a mile from my front door. Yes! I am embracing this with full fervor... it was the first place I applied to, and within a week, I had a second interview. That went fairly well, and after a few days of no response, I reached out... they had gone with another candidate. Oof. Okay. Move on.
My wife had been encouraging me to go to a staffing agency, so I did that at the same time I started pursuing no. 2. That came pretty quickly, and can you believe that this place had a pension plan? My dad didn't even have any jobs that still had those, so that's like a pink unicorn in the wild. I got myself super excited for this job, and I had excellent interviews, even Birthday was a part of our discussions. I felt locked in. They warned me, "we move slow". I allowed weeks to burn before I started inquiring, and when I did, the answer I received was, "we have another candidate". But a silver lining - "we have another position you might be a good fit for...". Yes - sign me up to start all over with roller coaster number 3.
Initial interview happened, it went very well... my thought process was along the lines, "well, I was a top candidate for the other role, surely I must have the upper hand here..." - I'm still waiting for them to let me know that I did not get the position.
Ah... stumbling into fourth position was a very unique job as an internal HR Coordinator for a local company that produces varieties of yeast. Phone interview - check. Virtual interview - check. In-Person interview - check? I was told it was me and one other person, and they had almost selected this person until I applied. I previously worked for the payroll and benefits service provider they use. I was so fucking convinced I had this job, I went and ate at the restaurant that's connected to the plant. Yeah. How could I possibly not get this job? Well, I didn't. They'll let me know if things don't work out with the person they hired.
Let's pause and talk about the mental fuckery I have put myself through now. Is it my age, my weight, my teeth - I started questioning every single thing about the in-person interview. This might be worse than dating? It's at least as bad I think. Your self-worth starts plummeting, and any insecurities you may have had when you started, are now full blown, heavy-ass shadows clinging to you like Marley's chains.
Five. Job with a pension (sacrificed). Helping the community (sacrificed). Unique atmosphere, maybe a historic building, my own office? (sacrificed). Can I please help register voters for Buncombe County, NC for $15/Hr... through that aforementioned staffing agency that made a point of telling me how important it was to communicate and I never hear from them. Crickets. Nothing. No response from anyone. I applied twice just to convince myself it was me, not them. Nope, it's them.
Onto Six ."Can I please just do the job I did the last time I earned income? Maybe give me a desk or a phone?"
"No. You work from home."
"Oh? Well, I guess that's something. Let's do it... please."
"Great! We love you, we are very excited to bring you onboard."
I wait a few days. This is definitely happening, so I'm not worried. I hear from them, they want to speak to my references. "That's a good sign!" - everyone says so. I wait a couple more days.
"Sorry, the executive team has decided to hold off on hiring anyone right now. When it opens back up, you are our top candidate."
You tricked me, you sneaky devils. I had given up hope, and you found a way to give me some, and then yank it away. Good on you. I deserve that for smiling that one time. Fool me once...
Seven. This is where the man with a crushed ego throws himself in front of a moving train because it's moving. And I have found myself reporting to work there for the past three days. A twenty minute phone call (more on this momentarily), and a twenty minute virtual interview was all that was needed to sign my name on a dotted line... as a temp with another staffing agency. Fuck. No guarantees this will be permanent, and from the looks of it, it's not going to be.
The person that hired me is extremely over-worked and constantly being over-whelmed as the sole HR resource for the office. I felt compelled to work there out of sheer compassion and empathy for having been the person that sacrifices everything for the company that employs them. I have nothing but respect for her and what she's dealing with... but this is a company that rebuffing structure, and has turn-over like a fast food restaurant. I know everything is strange - between Covid, millennials, pay expectation, and the economy, a lot of companies are dealing with the problem. Compounding this place's problems is a recent lay-off stemming from supply chain bottlenecks. Ironic, since this company's sole function is to provide materials for the bio-medical/bio-science fields. So, there's budget challenges, and I've been told a handful of times, that it was a battle just to bring on a full time temp to help with recruiting staff... hey, that's me. Sharing a small office with two other people, recruiting people to ghost, or quit in less than a week of showing up. I've shared all the red flags with my friends, and they agree that these are genuine red flags. I said yes, because they caught me when I was feeling most vulnerable.
The fact of the matter is, the money is gone. 401K - gone. Severance - gone. Credit cards - not looking great anymore. Pride - swallowed. I have to do this. I don't have to do this for 18 years, but for right now, until they tell me they don't need me anymore, or I feel stable enough that I can start looking for the right fit... this is it.
And I will save that phone call for the next post; whenever that is. I need to get to bed. Dumpster fire signing off for now.
