So, no dinner, though I am a little hungry. I think my stomach is trying to trick me into eating so I feel like hell again. I'm just gonna stick with this iced coffee, thank you very much. Let's just jump right into that... the undieting I am excelling at. I did manage to get below 290 and stay there for three or four weeks, primarily with a lot of salads, watching my bread intake, and not drinking any soda after lunch. All of those successes have quickly unraveled in the past two weeks and I am back up above 290. It's especially concerning right now, knowing, that if I did contract C-19 (I'm going with this) - that I would have a significantly difficult time. Sleep apnea, obesity, high blood pressure - it's just the kind of cocktail this virus is thirsty for. I did note in today's round of Smart People Speaking While an Orange Parrot Repeats Random Words, that perhaps injecting bleach or rubbing alcohol into the lungs of a sick person might just kill the virus in no time, like it does on a counter-top, you know? What have you got to lose? So, that's hopeful. I'm pretty sure we are about to turn the corner on all this people whining about dying stuff.
I'm feeling pretty sharp at the moment, so let's talk about this work situation. We are not going to name the "work", if you know me personally, you already know who "work" is. I guess a linear time line is best? I need to preface what I am about to share with an understanding that my perspective is from one employee, deemed essential by "work". I am a supervisor, but there's 5 layers of management between myself and the CEO - so I am not going to know everything there is to know and how that relates to me, I don't know what decisions have to be weighed and what factors are tipping the scales. "Work" is a publicly-traded company with investors, we also employ tens of thousands of employees all over the world. The dollar amounts at stake are in the billions - and my sliver in that pie chart requires an electron microscope. With all of that said - let's jump in.
My assessment is that "work" responded in kind with other businesses. As governors issued stay-at-home orders, "work" quickly moved 95% or more of its workforce to working from home. As this effort was in motion, "essential employees" were identified. That's me and my team, and others just like us all over the country, including our supervisors. News was at a fever pitch, and I was getting blown up by every staff member simultaneously, from the time I woke up to the time I put my head on the pillow. 10 PM texts about C-19 new stories were not uncommon. I recognize the fear, I have a family, I am concerned too, the one thing I for sure know is that I am an "essential employee" and thusly, so are you. As branch staff were in the process of transitioning to work-at-home, one of my couriers expressed the fears he had and his wife demanded to be addressed. They were absolutely legitimate concerns, he's in his 70s, has a heart-condition, and delivers payrolls to nursing homes, hospitals, hospices, etc. So, as with most things new to "work", I am the one presenting a case to Human Resources in seeking guidance. We come to the agreement, it is too dangerous for him to deliver and we pull him off the route. I secure back up for the route, and feel accomplished for all of a half-second. The barrage for email forwards, texts, printed new articles continues as the branch empties out until we are the only light left in a vast sea of dark, empty cubicles. People left their plants, their sweaters, family photos, the cup of coffee on their desk - but there's only us to navigate a ghostly abyss.
As you can imagine, this ramps up the anger, bitterness and vitriol shared among my team. I probably have an equal level of contempt at this point, but it's internalized and it's at the utter lack of care or realization that I too am human and am here with you and also may die for this effort to keep "work" remaining a thing that exists in the world. Yes, they did put that heavy-fucking burden on our shoulders. "Essential employees" were the survival line of "work", because without us, paychecks are not going to be delivered to people all over the world barely hanging on right now. And if we can't do that, we cease to exist. They parry that reality with little quips about how "work" cares about the health and safety of all it's employees and taking care of ourselves is of paramount importance. It's hard to justify one without sacrificing the other, right? I have (had) a staff of 5 people... I can't afford to have too many of them stay home because of a cough before I don't have the capability to get checks out the door. It leaves you feeling very confused about your own priorities, and I will argue vehemently, that the phrasing was intentional. If I asked HR - they would air on the side of, health first; if I asked a supervisor, you would get the kind of song and dance that our president is filthy with. Three days before our residency began at the haunted branch in the haunted business complex, those higher layers of management decided, this is a good time to talk directly to the "essential employees". Oddly, the call was prefaced by the comment, "I think you will really be happy about this." Why was it odd? Well, for 45-minutes, we watched and listened to a senior manager from the comfort of his kitchen, stocked with food, talk about "unprecedented times" and "critical foundation" and "appreciation", and then he rolled out that big nugget of thank you by announcing that lunch will be supplied to all "essential employees" every Wednesday. "Keep up the great work, we appreciate you." Oh for fuck's sake. It pissed me off - my staff was ready to burn the fucking building down and storm out. I don't remember if it was the same day or next day (leaning towards the latter), that an email came down announcing that hourly employees would be receiving a $2/hour bump for any hours worked in the office, retroactive to the beginning of March and good thru the end of April. "It's DEFINITELY NOT hazard pay, don't call it that, don't think it." They also sweetened the pot by having a daily raffle each day for a $25 gift card. (To date, my team has won $150). It was around this point that one of my staff members was having 'issues' and began calling off for days at a time. Now down two employees.
I'd like to interject a special note here. On this "perfect" phone call conference, this executive shared a long, told fib about "work". "We ("work") doesn't carry much debt so as a company we are in better shape than most to weather this event." Something to that effect. I have heard this countless times over the last 17 years. I always assumed it to be true. This year however, I stumbled upon articles outlining the high-risk "work" was involved in and how much debt "work" was carrying. It was alarming enough to prompt financial reporters to pen articles about it. So - let's just drop the pre-text. This executive, flaunting his perfect bag of Tostitos atop the fancy smart-fridge definitely knows that "work" is carrying a lot of debt. And I am forced to wonder what that "alarming risk" reporter-person reported on is like now, two months into this?
As one would imagine, my stress level reached new plateaus. Coincidentally, with extra money in-hand, my staff was suddenly much less worried about the world and their inevitable death by everything from the UPS driver to the water in the check insertion machine. Amazing what money does to quiet the injustices of the world. With the branch now closed, a whole host of procedures are sloppily thrown together to document payrolls that would have otherwise been picked up by clients but now need to be delivered. Our couriers are encountering shuttered businesses all over the state and calling us every 10 minutes for phone numbers. Absolute mayhem, and I have this person out of the office who proclaims to be suffering from pain but is willing to return. She does, allows herself to be worked up by the rest of the staff that all of her ailments are signs of C-19 because they read it on the internet, and she gets herself tested on the way home. Can you guess what happened? She evidently didn't. She's told to self-quarantine for 14 days. So fucking awesome. I am absolutely livid at my staff for doing that to her; at the situation; at my "work" - I could have punched a baby. You see, those people winning gift cards, had their tongues bit by $2/hr, getting free lunch every Wednesday are hourly employees. Myself and my supervisor - we are "salary-folk" and there's no incentives for us. In fact, the wording of the hourly employee incentive program is done in such a way to draw attention to the fact that we are omitted. So, let me ask you - is this reasonable? I am working longer hours, working harder and covering hourly staff that are, you know, self-quarantining, and I have to navigate the needs of couriers and clients and payroll specialists all day consistently. How am I at any less risk than an hourly employee? What's the nature of $2 /hour and gift card raffles? Is it simply to entice the employee to consider going to work instead of staying home because it's safer? Is it to say, you risking your life is worth two extra dollars an hour to "work"? What if, let's say, have a cough and a runny nose, but no fever, are you going to give up that extra money or stay home? HR says stay home.... "work" says - "Hey, there's money down here..." Whatever the rationale is, we will never know - but why doesn't it also apply to me? Why should I keep going to work and risking my safety, and the safety of my family? Because I'm a leader and leader's lead? I want to hear opinions from someone on the outside of this. Am I unreasonable or wrong to think that I also deserve equal incentives in being deemed an "essential employee"? Herein lies my daily internal struggle with patience and acceptance of my "work". I'm definitely having trust issues right now - I feel taken advantage of.
Back to our story.
My only remaining driver comes off the road to work in-house to cover Employee 2 that's out playing house. First day of his schedule - he shows up and is visibly not well. Two-hours in, I send him home. He's out for another day before returning, and during this - I am down to myself and two employees, fighting for my life not to have the office closed or our work sent away to another center. Ironically, while I am fighting to stay open, a much larger print center has to close down for two weeks, and we are left alone. Employee 3 returns but his status is questionable. We limped through the two weeks of Employee Two's self-quarantine, and I am prepared to have to adjust schedules to accommodate everyone for the amount of work we have. The timing is perfect, because a second, extremely large print center has to close, and I am ready to take some of their work. However, Employee 2 does not agree with the restrictions HR has put on her for returning, in fact, "IT'S BULLSHIT", so she quits an hour into her shift. Employee 3 then lets me know, he needs surgery and will need a week off for the recovery. Which brings us to today. About to wrap up another week... 7 weeks in to this new work reality, no incentives, no soothing calm, just hit after hit after hit.
Of course, I have blown up my manager in much the same fashion I was blown up by my staff. He does see things my way, it's not his fault that someone up the chain of command has "reasons" for treating us differently. It doesn't hurt any less. Seventeen years with this company, I have seen and been through a lot. This is the second time I have no idea what is on the horizon. I may get through all of this, having saved the company (their words, not mine), only to be told that I am no longer needed on the other end. Wouldn't that be a kick in the ass? When you needed me, you didn't even acknowledge me with the same level of respect as my staff, but now I am dispensable. That seems like a real possibility, because as has been demonstrated, "work" doesn't really care about me.
In an almost humorous effort to strut around the barnyard, "work" sent out a survey, titled, "Critical On-Site Employees". Four simple questions. "Oddly" enough, despite the title, the survey went to people who were working from home, because, they definitely would share the same thoughts as someone going to the office every day out in corona-world?! Everyone shared their opinions, good, bad, incoherent, and pointless. Some of us monitored this for the two weeks it was available, and continued voting on users typed responses... and noticed something peculiar. Responses that I would call "critical" were being shown about 1/20 as often as a "positive" response. In fact, one person voted 1600 times, and not only did the "critical" responses not move into the top responses despite voting for them, but of the 306 answers available, one answer still had not shown up. 306 Answers, 1600 Refreshes - the odds are that this person would have seen every answer. Obviously something was happening behind the scenes. We were being Ms. Marveled. What managed to be a top 5 answer, you wonder? "I get to come to work". That one stole the show.
Incentives may still yet come. My luck, it will come in the form of paid time off.. I have been maxed out at 200 hours for over a month. That is of zero value to me. We are not able to cash out PTO - so it does me no good.
We are likely to have these moments scarred into our memories for the rest of our lives. Some of us will face this over and over until vaccines are available. A lot of us will have PTSD. What I hope is that these weeks and months taught us something about ourselves. Me - I've learned that morality will usher me to the soapbox to stand-up for what I believe is right... but the love of family is a much stronger force. I won't jeopardize my ability to do my part in supporting the family to advocate the greater good. My "work" has probably identified and weighed the risk/reward just as I have, it knows my vulnerability, and recognizes that the world is suddenly unfamiliar and there sure are a lot of people out of work... you willing to risk your morality versus joining their ranks?
In a week's time - it will be only 3 of us to carry the load of a 6-person team (myself included). My boss, again, is itching to give our work away. I shut him down and refuse to discuss it. It's the only value I feel I have. If I give that away, it reinforces the hurt I feel about going to work everyday. I validate the opinion I have convinced myself of; that "work"sees me as valueless. But if something happens to me, or my two remaining staff during that week, we're done. It will officially be too much for us to handle. It comes back full circle - somehow I am wearing all of the pressure of the company. I am fighting against my perceived injustice to support this company and it's clients and I cannot fail. I cannot get sick, I cannot stop, and "work" doesn't give two fucks that I am doing that. All they have demonstrated is that as long as it gets done... we have nothing else to discuss... you did your job. That's the kind of work ethic my dad raised me with... unfortunately, corporate greed doesn't reward or recognize work ethic any longer. Towing the line is a much more crucial quality.
I'm sure there's many details and nuances I have over-looked. If you find yourself reading this, I do want to hear your opinion about incentives. Should I expect anything, or is that unreasonable? It's quite late and I have another day to dig through. I hope you are well and safe. Sleep well and take care -
Listening to: Tropic Of Cancer - "Restless Idylls"
23 April, 2020
Going all SecureTeam10 on this blog...
I wonder if anyone who even stumbles upon this blog would understand that title? It feels like I just got back to writing; bringing reassurances that this will happen again regularly, and 3 or 4 posts in, silence. No great excuses, fatigue mostly. The free time I do have, I have been devoting to the video channel. I am putting so many hours into each video, between filming, editing, researching and then typing it all up, and trying to do that weekly for the one possible fan I have, it's exhausting. I do want to talk about that "fan", but that will have to be a subject for a future post. Maybe by then, it won't be mysterious or weird any longer.
So, Excuse # 1 - busy doing other thing.
Work has been, I don't know what to even call it at this point. After two months of this, I guess this is, as they say, "the new normal". But it still feels weird, it's pretty unpleasant and growing increasingly less pleasant; and every day it seems like I have some staffing challenge - so it's just unpleasant. I need a rest. I'm suffering from a "grass is greener..." mentality right now that is not based on a healthy reality. I'm just really tired and my mental state is not remotely close to the already unwell state it was in when I last wrote.
Excuse # 2 - "I'm so tired...." (do you hear Perry? I do...)
I'm going to write this evening, I'm at least committed to doing so by the end of the weekend. I need to talk about work, I need to write down all of my frustrations, anger, and confusion about what's going on at my job right now. Hopefully, I will gain some perspective. A healthy reminder that, of all of the "essential employees" in the world right now, I am probably at the least health risk of all of them. Unfortunately, I've not the energy or time to articulate all of my thoughts to blog, so it has to come later.
Excuse # 3 - No time, brain broke.
So, in recognition of all of my excuses, I offer this gift.
So, Excuse # 1 - busy doing other thing.
Work has been, I don't know what to even call it at this point. After two months of this, I guess this is, as they say, "the new normal". But it still feels weird, it's pretty unpleasant and growing increasingly less pleasant; and every day it seems like I have some staffing challenge - so it's just unpleasant. I need a rest. I'm suffering from a "grass is greener..." mentality right now that is not based on a healthy reality. I'm just really tired and my mental state is not remotely close to the already unwell state it was in when I last wrote.
Excuse # 2 - "I'm so tired...." (do you hear Perry? I do...)
I'm going to write this evening, I'm at least committed to doing so by the end of the weekend. I need to talk about work, I need to write down all of my frustrations, anger, and confusion about what's going on at my job right now. Hopefully, I will gain some perspective. A healthy reminder that, of all of the "essential employees" in the world right now, I am probably at the least health risk of all of them. Unfortunately, I've not the energy or time to articulate all of my thoughts to blog, so it has to come later.
Excuse # 3 - No time, brain broke.
So, in recognition of all of my excuses, I offer this gift.
02 April, 2020
Morpheus... may I have the other pill, please...
I'm not even sure where to start this post or what to talk about. The idea of coming back to this blog was to give myself some self-evaluation, self-reflection, and to force the habit of writing to take hold. What I did not anticipate was an omnipresent threat to humanity showing up and the resulting expectations that I would daily navigate said threat for the sustainability of my employer.
I knew in January that something was up. The language being used in material surrounding COVID-19 was new. Even the jokes about the virus had a context that suggested something different was about to happen. Given this era we are now in where lying is a daily reality, I'm slowly teaching myself to listen for clues or tells. My wife and I discussed the potential risks we faced in a planned trip the first week of February. I am so deeply thankful we made that trip, more so every day as the world burns down around us.
So, as pandemics tend to go, the very best and the very worst of people step into the light. America, unfortunately, has little experience in dealing with "third world issues". That "China Disease" doesn't stand a chance in our highly-civilized, fast-food-fueled, American society. If Ebola or SARS or MERS taught us anything, it's that when a viral killer shows up in America, it will kill a handful of people and then someone (I guess it's Jesus?) intervenes and it goes away. Thankfully, some people in the Obama Administration (probably Atheists) understood how close we were to moving Max Brooks from fiction to reference material. As people die, we discover, you are only as powerful as the spitefulness with which you dismantle your predecessors task forces.
As death tolls rise, and cities begin to issue "stay at home" mandates, my employer prepares to respond. In a span of two weeks, what was a 10% work-from-home employee base swells to a 90% work-from-home employee base. One of my employees is high-risk and is a courier, so my first response was that I had to take him off the road. It was about that time the phrasing emerged, "essential employee", next year's top candidate for inclusion by Webster. That brave, dedicated person saving your life; that person serving you fast-food-fuel; and yours truly - printing checks for America are the essentials this new reality will throw ticker-tape parades for, via live stream from a broken and deserted town near you.
All of those people out there who think this is being handled, "perfectly" - there is no bottom to the depth of your inhumanity. Please, please tell me how the greatest nation on Earth is less equipped than South Korea to respond; or is less responsive to an impending crisis than most every other nation save a few? Why, after 1918, or Hurricane Sandy, or Hurricane Katrina, or the California Wildfires, or <insert name of disaster> has our response to sit on our hands and hope "the God" is a merciful god this year? I understand that preparation costs money, but negligence carries a price tag 10 x as high and comes with tragic loss of life. It's inexcusable that technology, and medicine, and research must have profit-motives, and right to life, and quality of life are best left to the philanthropists. We are watching every single day, our leader, devalue human life and make it the roadblock to economic success. "... then go ahead and die and decrease the surplus population!" All the while, we demonstrate to the despots of the world, just how prepared America is to deal with germ warfare.
Back in my world, my staff, quite on cue, blow me up constantly with every "end of the world" headline they can find. Are they scared? Maybe. Are they angry? Seemingly so. Once the office went dark, and we were the only lights on in a deserted building... I turned into a representation of the entity that was going to kill them and everyone they ever knew and loved. What a great feeling, because I'm not human or experiencing all of the same feelings they are, right? The Employer holds a teleconference with all of us "essential employees", and we all watch the VP broadcasting from the toilet paper fort he built in the dining room of his house, and for an hour he provides no encouragement, no incentives (save a corona lunch ordered in for the staff every Wednesday), no answers or horizons. It was absolutely fucking pointless and inflamed and already raging staff. Our feedback as supervisors was immediate, and within a day, hourly staff were given a $2/hour increase for the period of about two months. The supervisors who have had to manage all of this; doing right for their staff and advocating for them; navigating clients and payroll specialists and supervisors as we journey into uncharted waters; while facing all of the same risks... you can go fuck yourselves. Some of us dared to question this decision, and those who did, got wrath and threats. Our employer; who I want to call out so badly for this betrayal; has broke my spirit. The fog in my head is now mixed with anger and hurt... my faith in my employer is crushed, and I no longer trust that you care what happens to me.
Keep moving forward. Regardless of how I feel about my employer, there are people all over The South relying on me and my staff to keep printing payroll and getting them out to clients. I take pride in that. I am not saving lives, I am not in an environment making minimum wage and serving the public, but I am keeping someone fed and housed and supporting themselves and maybe supporting others. But I am growing tired... the noise in my head is thick, it won't allow me to relax, but every day it becomes denser. This is my day:
Yesterday, in the day-to-day syndrome, one of my staff allowed her peers to stoke her fears and trigger her anxieties to the point where she felt she needed to go get tested on her way home. She had no fever, so who knows how she managed to do that, and of course she was told to self-quarantine. Wonderful. In all of the years I've been in New Orleans with this staff, I have never been so fucking angry at them. I could barely talk this morning, and all I wanted to do was scream. I didn't... so that too is now in my head. All of that rage penned up in my skull. So, now I am short-handed and handling a crisis.
In that aforementioned lack of trust I now have in my employer - I am convinced that they could use this pandemic to close our center (for good) and have found a way to do so that eliminated a severance package, a stay bonus, and paying all of our vacation time. Maybe it's paranoia brought on by stress or fog - but I simply don't trust my company to do the right thing any more. My employee self-isolating is one nail shy of finishing that coffin. If she tests positive, or any of the rest of us have to do the same - in goes the final nail. If I weren't so exhausted, I'd be freaked out right now.
I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have a job to go to today. I am still bringing home money, so is my wife, and I recognize how lucky we are in that regard. Maybe my employer thinks I don't realize this and I am taking what I have for granted? Maybe, I am. Then I see people posting memes about how they are supporting our nation in this great time of need by watching Netflix - and my blood goes to nuclear. People are equating themselves to the men and women of WWII that went into the work force to create the goods needed in our fight against Fascism. Irony-aside, Trump-supporters, you binge-watching Duck Dynasty is not the same as the person going to work to every day to make the KAYSADILLAS you and your family love. That person feeding your pot-munchies is more akin to a soldier in a war, than the people who stayed behind to support their efforts. You are akin to neither... are you are more like The Pumpkin King; a draft dodger and type of person who likes to let everyone know about your achievements in doing nothing. So, if you could, light a tiki torch or two for the people who are risking their lives and the health of their families every day to make sure KAYSADILLAS are getting made.
If I die for my employer - the joke really is on me. How fucking typical that I sacrificed myself for someone who couldn't identify my corpse (unless it's wearing my photo ID badge). Please someone sue them for enough money that my son can go to the college of his choice, and my wife will never need a paycheck printed by a company that valued it's own sustainability over the lives of the people printing those checks.
I knew in January that something was up. The language being used in material surrounding COVID-19 was new. Even the jokes about the virus had a context that suggested something different was about to happen. Given this era we are now in where lying is a daily reality, I'm slowly teaching myself to listen for clues or tells. My wife and I discussed the potential risks we faced in a planned trip the first week of February. I am so deeply thankful we made that trip, more so every day as the world burns down around us.
So, as pandemics tend to go, the very best and the very worst of people step into the light. America, unfortunately, has little experience in dealing with "third world issues". That "China Disease" doesn't stand a chance in our highly-civilized, fast-food-fueled, American society. If Ebola or SARS or MERS taught us anything, it's that when a viral killer shows up in America, it will kill a handful of people and then someone (I guess it's Jesus?) intervenes and it goes away. Thankfully, some people in the Obama Administration (probably Atheists) understood how close we were to moving Max Brooks from fiction to reference material. As people die, we discover, you are only as powerful as the spitefulness with which you dismantle your predecessors task forces.
As death tolls rise, and cities begin to issue "stay at home" mandates, my employer prepares to respond. In a span of two weeks, what was a 10% work-from-home employee base swells to a 90% work-from-home employee base. One of my employees is high-risk and is a courier, so my first response was that I had to take him off the road. It was about that time the phrasing emerged, "essential employee", next year's top candidate for inclusion by Webster. That brave, dedicated person saving your life; that person serving you fast-food-fuel; and yours truly - printing checks for America are the essentials this new reality will throw ticker-tape parades for, via live stream from a broken and deserted town near you.
All of those people out there who think this is being handled, "perfectly" - there is no bottom to the depth of your inhumanity. Please, please tell me how the greatest nation on Earth is less equipped than South Korea to respond; or is less responsive to an impending crisis than most every other nation save a few? Why, after 1918, or Hurricane Sandy, or Hurricane Katrina, or the California Wildfires, or <insert name of disaster> has our response to sit on our hands and hope "the God" is a merciful god this year? I understand that preparation costs money, but negligence carries a price tag 10 x as high and comes with tragic loss of life. It's inexcusable that technology, and medicine, and research must have profit-motives, and right to life, and quality of life are best left to the philanthropists. We are watching every single day, our leader, devalue human life and make it the roadblock to economic success. "... then go ahead and die and decrease the surplus population!" All the while, we demonstrate to the despots of the world, just how prepared America is to deal with germ warfare.
Back in my world, my staff, quite on cue, blow me up constantly with every "end of the world" headline they can find. Are they scared? Maybe. Are they angry? Seemingly so. Once the office went dark, and we were the only lights on in a deserted building... I turned into a representation of the entity that was going to kill them and everyone they ever knew and loved. What a great feeling, because I'm not human or experiencing all of the same feelings they are, right? The Employer holds a teleconference with all of us "essential employees", and we all watch the VP broadcasting from the toilet paper fort he built in the dining room of his house, and for an hour he provides no encouragement, no incentives (save a corona lunch ordered in for the staff every Wednesday), no answers or horizons. It was absolutely fucking pointless and inflamed and already raging staff. Our feedback as supervisors was immediate, and within a day, hourly staff were given a $2/hour increase for the period of about two months. The supervisors who have had to manage all of this; doing right for their staff and advocating for them; navigating clients and payroll specialists and supervisors as we journey into uncharted waters; while facing all of the same risks... you can go fuck yourselves. Some of us dared to question this decision, and those who did, got wrath and threats. Our employer; who I want to call out so badly for this betrayal; has broke my spirit. The fog in my head is now mixed with anger and hurt... my faith in my employer is crushed, and I no longer trust that you care what happens to me.
Keep moving forward. Regardless of how I feel about my employer, there are people all over The South relying on me and my staff to keep printing payroll and getting them out to clients. I take pride in that. I am not saving lives, I am not in an environment making minimum wage and serving the public, but I am keeping someone fed and housed and supporting themselves and maybe supporting others. But I am growing tired... the noise in my head is thick, it won't allow me to relax, but every day it becomes denser. This is my day:
- "New Orleans is the leader of the world in COVID-19 growth"
- Go To Work
- Staff feeds each other's paranoia for 8 hours
- Wonder if we have enough groceries or supplies to get thru another day
- Maybe go to the store and find 1 of the 12 things I need
- Go home
- "Number of new cases doubled today"
- Take whatever I have to induce sleep
- Repeat
Yesterday, in the day-to-day syndrome, one of my staff allowed her peers to stoke her fears and trigger her anxieties to the point where she felt she needed to go get tested on her way home. She had no fever, so who knows how she managed to do that, and of course she was told to self-quarantine. Wonderful. In all of the years I've been in New Orleans with this staff, I have never been so fucking angry at them. I could barely talk this morning, and all I wanted to do was scream. I didn't... so that too is now in my head. All of that rage penned up in my skull. So, now I am short-handed and handling a crisis.
In that aforementioned lack of trust I now have in my employer - I am convinced that they could use this pandemic to close our center (for good) and have found a way to do so that eliminated a severance package, a stay bonus, and paying all of our vacation time. Maybe it's paranoia brought on by stress or fog - but I simply don't trust my company to do the right thing any more. My employee self-isolating is one nail shy of finishing that coffin. If she tests positive, or any of the rest of us have to do the same - in goes the final nail. If I weren't so exhausted, I'd be freaked out right now.
I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to have a job to go to today. I am still bringing home money, so is my wife, and I recognize how lucky we are in that regard. Maybe my employer thinks I don't realize this and I am taking what I have for granted? Maybe, I am. Then I see people posting memes about how they are supporting our nation in this great time of need by watching Netflix - and my blood goes to nuclear. People are equating themselves to the men and women of WWII that went into the work force to create the goods needed in our fight against Fascism. Irony-aside, Trump-supporters, you binge-watching Duck Dynasty is not the same as the person going to work to every day to make the KAYSADILLAS you and your family love. That person feeding your pot-munchies is more akin to a soldier in a war, than the people who stayed behind to support their efforts. You are akin to neither... are you are more like The Pumpkin King; a draft dodger and type of person who likes to let everyone know about your achievements in doing nothing. So, if you could, light a tiki torch or two for the people who are risking their lives and the health of their families every day to make sure KAYSADILLAS are getting made.
If I die for my employer - the joke really is on me. How fucking typical that I sacrificed myself for someone who couldn't identify my corpse (unless it's wearing my photo ID badge). Please someone sue them for enough money that my son can go to the college of his choice, and my wife will never need a paycheck printed by a company that valued it's own sustainability over the lives of the people printing those checks.
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