In My Head

Not really sure what's perpetuating it, but for the past two months, I feel like I am slowly going crazy. I don't mean that in any kind of light way. Is it the culmination and rapid changes in my life over the past 3 years; is it stress from work; or is this just something settling in for a long haul? My anxiety medicine does work, and I only can measure it's effectiveness by those stretches of time I am without it. Which, in and of itself is a bit frightening. My only real reasons for exploring anxiety meds were to help me overcome my fear of presenting, speaking, and training to large groups of people, which had become a large part of my work life in Florida. But now, whenever I find myself out of the meds, I can get stressed out by a long drive, traffic, and especially my work peers. That was definitely not the case before. Honestly though, I think that's an issue completely irrelevant to these new feelings that something is off mentally.

I've always been a very visceral memory person. When I recall a specific event, if it was profoundly impacting, I am right back at that moment reliving it. I find myself even in dialogue with the moment, to the point where I have to say, "No!" to break out of the spell. I feel like this is completely relatable to those individuals you see in public, seemingly arguing with themselves. If I was on the outside looking in at these moments that I'm experiencing, I don't think the two points of reference would be discernible. That alone tells me that things have always been off with me. What has me concerned now is the frequency within which this is occurring. In what had been a once-a-month, maybe once-a-week sort of moment, now is nearly happening daily, and not just at home, but also at work. I can't continue with this behavior. It's either going to get worse, or darker unless I take measures to break the cycle. At my core, I feel like it's an acceptance issue, moments from my life I've not fully processed that revisit me. It's very much what I imagine feeling haunted is. I'm not sure if letting go of the past is the same as forgetting the past, and I'm positive I don't know how to accept the past and just move forward. Maybe that's what meds are for, and maybe that's why schizophrenics always have to take their meds? Am I saying I'm schizophrenic? Well, no, I'm certainly not qualified nor do I have the historical frame of reference in my life to determine that, but it would make sense. Schizophrenics aren't just on Planet X seeing a world that doesn't exist, their turmoil is from a very real point of trauma(s) or experience(s) that their brains simply cannot move past; a moment in time that is a cog in their wheel. It's similar to having a starter go bad in your car... it may start up just fine 9 days out of  10, but on day 10 the starter is on the bad cellinoid and you aren't going anywhere. Severe schizophrenics are locked in those moments, unable to reach through it to a point of clarity so they can function in the present; their starter is fried.

Not sure what comes next, but I'm positive I will have a lot to say about it.

Lost but Loved

It's weird, after a year in New Orleans, there's parts of my life here that still seem unsettled. Home life is my sanctuary, but work life is a completely different story. I realize that's the norm for most individuals. In my case, I thought I'd feel settled and comfortable in my role as a supervisor by now. Certainly, I expected to know something more about what I need to do; what's expected of me; how I contribute to the overall scheme of things. In truth, that picture is a little less murky, and I've certainly developed relationships with my staff, but when it comes to my impact and my business needs to morale - I know, I feel I fall way short.

 

Granted, I've improved the general morale of the staff by eliminating the ridiculous expectations that they do whatever everyone else expects of them, and fall more into what I expect. I contribute as much as I can to mitigating their workloads. What's been out of my control is the culture that pervades our office; a belief that basically leaves no structure or boundaries to define a work day. My staff, being the tail-end of that daily void means that they still have to respond to whatever-the-fuck-can-happen. Essentially - it's an icy knife across the throat.

 

I still have no idea what is supposed to fill my day. My last boss is a vivid image to me of an endless workload that left no room to meet with his staff. I'd say, my day is a stark contrast to that. If I am not dealing with a hundred emergencies, then my day has tremendous gaps. I created a dozen spreadsheets to collect data with, but that honestly can be pushed off my slate in a couple of hours. I imagine I could spend all remaining hours looking for ways to cut spending; improve costs; seek alternatives - but in doing so, I affect a lot of people's livelihoods. Beyond that, there's the simple fact that my department is number 1 in the country, and securely so. I realize even the most efficient machines need to be maintained and oiled, but at the same time; childhood taught me that tinkering with something that works can leave you with a handful of springs and gears and a really broken toy.

 

All of this uncertainty about what I'm doing and what to do has me in a weird place. Last October, my company held a conference in Orlando for those individuals across the country that have my same role. 100 tenured, talented, unchallenged experts and me. Yes, it was awkward when I went to the front of this conference hall three separate times to receive awards for my office's excellent job. Excellent, because of the work done by my predecessor, and more significantly, the fact that my staff is different than any other staff company-wide. That anomaly allows me to play with job descriptions and roles in a fashion that no one else has the luxury of. The feeling I had? Undeserving - honestly. Just give me an honorable mention or an asterisk.

 

What's the fallout to look so good on paper and in front of your peers a year into your job? Well... everyone's curious, and much like a sport's franchise - you are in demand. I've had three offers since the conference to relocate to other offices. While I don't hide, in the least, why my numbers are what they are, everyone wants that coveted first place on the monthly report. And if I'm not willing to bring my "talents" to them, then I'm in everyone's sniper scope.

 

It's not enough feeling undeserving; along comes the added nuance of other people's perceptions. I gladly accept the awards, because in the grand scheme of things, I have an excellent staff, and it's not my predecessor or me that deserves the awards, the staff does. They work every day in the conditions and uncertainty this environment brings; they deal with upset clients; they deal with difficult deliveries; and all of the challenges that come with living in NOLA, crime included. So, yes, I proudly hung the awards right outside our department - so maybe that boundless, thoughtless culture outside of this department can see what's possible despite the circumstances they put my staff in. My staff excels despite me.

 

I want to be a master at my role. I want to understand every aspect and every challenge. I want to prove myself to myself before I prove myself to others, unfortunately, I feel like I was in a horse-before-the-cart situation walking in the door. I know I am capable of any challenge; here, or in one of the handful of cities that want me. But I need to find myself at work - wherever that may be.