In My Head

Not really sure what's perpetuating it, but for the past two months, I feel like I am slowly going crazy. I don't mean that in any kind of light way. Is it the culmination and rapid changes in my life over the past 3 years; is it stress from work; or is this just something settling in for a long haul? My anxiety medicine does work, and I only can measure it's effectiveness by those stretches of time I am without it. Which, in and of itself is a bit frightening. My only real reasons for exploring anxiety meds were to help me overcome my fear of presenting, speaking, and training to large groups of people, which had become a large part of my work life in Florida. But now, whenever I find myself out of the meds, I can get stressed out by a long drive, traffic, and especially my work peers. That was definitely not the case before. Honestly though, I think that's an issue completely irrelevant to these new feelings that something is off mentally.

I've always been a very visceral memory person. When I recall a specific event, if it was profoundly impacting, I am right back at that moment reliving it. I find myself even in dialogue with the moment, to the point where I have to say, "No!" to break out of the spell. I feel like this is completely relatable to those individuals you see in public, seemingly arguing with themselves. If I was on the outside looking in at these moments that I'm experiencing, I don't think the two points of reference would be discernible. That alone tells me that things have always been off with me. What has me concerned now is the frequency within which this is occurring. In what had been a once-a-month, maybe once-a-week sort of moment, now is nearly happening daily, and not just at home, but also at work. I can't continue with this behavior. It's either going to get worse, or darker unless I take measures to break the cycle. At my core, I feel like it's an acceptance issue, moments from my life I've not fully processed that revisit me. It's very much what I imagine feeling haunted is. I'm not sure if letting go of the past is the same as forgetting the past, and I'm positive I don't know how to accept the past and just move forward. Maybe that's what meds are for, and maybe that's why schizophrenics always have to take their meds? Am I saying I'm schizophrenic? Well, no, I'm certainly not qualified nor do I have the historical frame of reference in my life to determine that, but it would make sense. Schizophrenics aren't just on Planet X seeing a world that doesn't exist, their turmoil is from a very real point of trauma(s) or experience(s) that their brains simply cannot move past; a moment in time that is a cog in their wheel. It's similar to having a starter go bad in your car... it may start up just fine 9 days out of  10, but on day 10 the starter is on the bad cellinoid and you aren't going anywhere. Severe schizophrenics are locked in those moments, unable to reach through it to a point of clarity so they can function in the present; their starter is fried.

Not sure what comes next, but I'm positive I will have a lot to say about it.