It's weird, after a year in New Orleans, there's parts of my life here that still seem unsettled. Home life is my sanctuary, but work life is a completely different story. I realize that's the norm for most individuals. In my case, I thought I'd feel settled and comfortable in my role as a supervisor by now. Certainly, I expected to know something more about what I need to do; what's expected of me; how I contribute to the overall scheme of things. In truth, that picture is a little less murky, and I've certainly developed relationships with my staff, but when it comes to my impact and my business needs to morale - I know, I feel I fall way short.
Granted, I've improved the general morale of the staff by eliminating the ridiculous expectations that they do whatever everyone else expects of them, and fall more into what I expect. I contribute as much as I can to mitigating their workloads. What's been out of my control is the culture that pervades our office; a belief that basically leaves no structure or boundaries to define a work day. My staff, being the tail-end of that daily void means that they still have to respond to whatever-the-fuck-can-happen. Essentially - it's an icy knife across the throat.
I still have no idea what is supposed to fill my day. My last boss is a vivid image to me of an endless workload that left no room to meet with his staff. I'd say, my day is a stark contrast to that. If I am not dealing with a hundred emergencies, then my day has tremendous gaps. I created a dozen spreadsheets to collect data with, but that honestly can be pushed off my slate in a couple of hours. I imagine I could spend all remaining hours looking for ways to cut spending; improve costs; seek alternatives - but in doing so, I affect a lot of people's livelihoods. Beyond that, there's the simple fact that my department is number 1 in the country, and securely so. I realize even the most efficient machines need to be maintained and oiled, but at the same time; childhood taught me that tinkering with something that works can leave you with a handful of springs and gears and a really broken toy.
All of this uncertainty about what I'm doing and what to do has me in a weird place. Last October, my company held a conference in Orlando for those individuals across the country that have my same role. 100 tenured, talented, unchallenged experts and me. Yes, it was awkward when I went to the front of this conference hall three separate times to receive awards for my office's excellent job. Excellent, because of the work done by my predecessor, and more significantly, the fact that my staff is different than any other staff company-wide. That anomaly allows me to play with job descriptions and roles in a fashion that no one else has the luxury of. The feeling I had? Undeserving - honestly. Just give me an honorable mention or an asterisk.
What's the fallout to look so good on paper and in front of your peers a year into your job? Well... everyone's curious, and much like a sport's franchise - you are in demand. I've had three offers since the conference to relocate to other offices. While I don't hide, in the least, why my numbers are what they are, everyone wants that coveted first place on the monthly report. And if I'm not willing to bring my "talents" to them, then I'm in everyone's sniper scope.
It's not enough feeling undeserving; along comes the added nuance of other people's perceptions. I gladly accept the awards, because in the grand scheme of things, I have an excellent staff, and it's not my predecessor or me that deserves the awards, the staff does. They work every day in the conditions and uncertainty this environment brings; they deal with upset clients; they deal with difficult deliveries; and all of the challenges that come with living in NOLA, crime included. So, yes, I proudly hung the awards right outside our department - so maybe that boundless, thoughtless culture outside of this department can see what's possible despite the circumstances they put my staff in. My staff excels despite me.
I want to be a master at my role. I want to understand every aspect and every challenge. I want to prove myself to myself before I prove myself to others, unfortunately, I feel like I was in a horse-before-the-cart situation walking in the door. I know I am capable of any challenge; here, or in one of the handful of cities that want me. But I need to find myself at work - wherever that may be.
