Just as it seems I am finally feeling confident and comfortable in my new role at work; today that assurance slipped away. I don't think I prepared myself for the one task I knew today was bringing; a group observance of our new manager's effectiveness thus far. Though I was certainly open to offering feedback, anyone who knows me knows that's not the issue, but what I didn't really sit and contemplate was the moment at which that feedback would be presented to the new manager. I can't imagine what that felt like, honestly, but not a position I envied. That was the better part of my work day,
I sporadically returned to my office to find a host of issues: we didn't bother to send out any mail this weekend; we received St. Louis' monthly order; a delivery we shouldn't have paid for - we did, and it was over $100; another delivery was never delivered; one of my drivers didn't bother to show up; and we didn't bother to address the packages assigned to one driver who was known to be out today. So... a not so comedic triumph of errors.
That in and of itself was enough to call the day a wash, What I wasn't prepared for at all was a call from one of my drivers putting in his two-weeks notice. He told me it was simply a point of not wanting to do it anymore and was not a reflection on anyone. It's difficult, it's the first employee leaving under my watch, so I can't help but feel it's somehow my failing.
I also realized today that my car may be on it's last legs. My favorite, lovely car... is not leaking it's precious black blood. My guess is a crack in the block from driving thru standing water.
Completely defeated - no one to share this with tonight - I decided I will watch Gasland.
The day is a wash...
15 July, 2013
31 March, 2013
The much delayed Part Two
Can't believe it's been three months since I last wrote. That kind of blows my mind. It's been hard to find free time; or quiet time where my thoughts are cohesive and wishing to spill forth.
Let me do my best to sum up that journey from leaving Florida until now... Easter Day, 2013. It was certainly weird driving a large u-haul, but I managed it well, the only damage was the power meter on the outside of our new home. The trip didn't start when we hoped it would, and it wasn't done in a straight shot. I had the unbearable quiet of a truck with only AM/FM and Hannah / Ethan had the cacophony of two cats in carriers. As we reached North Florida, we realized we had a serious issue. No cash to pay our deposit with, and no more Bank Of America once we reached Mississippi. Honestly, it would have never occured to me that there wouldn't be a Bank Of America in Louisiana, but alas - there wasn't. We couldn't get money orders anywhere, so this problem coupled with fatigue and shrinking daylight forced for a night into a hotel. Hannah discovered a very useful tip, La Quinta accepts pets - so if you are ever in dire straights and have to evacuate with pets, keep this in mind.
The following morning we got under way fairly early and headed to our new home. It was a relatively short drive compared to our Florida exodus, and we arrived in Mid City around 1 as I recall. As soon as we exited the interstate, my mind was set on fire with the imagery around me. As much research as we had done on Google Earth, etc., it did not prepare my eyes for what surrounded me. I was following Hannah and Ethan as we exited at Metairie Cemetery, and were soon passing too many cemeteries to count, I was stunned when we turned into our new neighborhood, passing a massive and old Catholic church, and made our way along wrecked and narrow streets lined with shotguns and decay. We pulled upon our new house and it looked exactly as we expected. Overcast and cold, and after a day of rain, our front porch area was a mud pit. Hannah, Ethan and I unloaded the truck in record time, which I was immeasurably thankful for. Our first night was pizza from Lazzaro's and we managed to get some order to the chaos.
Day Two, our main objectives were groceries and returning the truck. We did the latter without incident and again, it was a striking array of eye candy. The rental place was across the street from this massive fortress like structure that was so imposing that it literally choked away the sun. We then relied on Suri to navigate us to groceries, and she took us everywhere from The Quarter to the CBD to Uptown... we somehow managed to find one on our own in Lakeview. A lovely and pricey local grocery store that was a block away from a need that we didn't know we had - Starbucks!
Those first few weeks were a struggle of frayed nerves and frustration versus the excitement of being here and all we had to explore. We did The Quarter, we did the cemeteries... but soon enough, I had to report to work, and Ethan had school. Unfortunately - we also still had boxes that we had no conceivable idea what to do with. Honestly, that's still a work in progress, but almost everything has a temporary home at least.
We've been treated almost without fail to a daily construction site complete with sounds since we moved in. The landlord's intent is to move in upstairs at some point, and he is awesome at letting us know he's here. Seriously - every day. Hannah found work quickly, and it's been a wonderful experience for her. She's appreciated and respected, and it's been rewarding. It's removed the stress of money issues from our plates, and it provides excitement about what we can accomplish. Work for me has been a mixed bag. I love my staff, but I've exchanged one type of stress, that of my job in Orlando, with a new set of stresses. One is having to talk to clients, that's completely new to me. And I am usually dealing with rather upset clients. The other challenge is not really knowing my job now. All of that structure and knowledge got me here, but now the description of what I do every day is completely new and foreign.
There's been some serious hurdles for Hannah and I on a personal level that only time can hope to mend. For the most part, our relationship is growing stronger and our understanding of one another is broadening. We took a huge leap moving in with one another with so little background or time under our belt, but I would say we've managed it quite well. We are a family. It feels like family. We share openly, and Ethan and I have grown close. It still has the new car smell, but we've figured out what all the buttons do. It's rewarding on a daily level, and I look forward to getting home every day. Hannah is an amazing cook, and Ethan is an incredible thinker. I'm blessed to be accepted by both of them and only have excitement when I think about our yeat ahead.
Moving here; moving to Mid City; taking the promotion... all of it are pieces that fit so nicely together. It really does feel like a reset, like anything is possible. And I know I have a wonderful support structure at my side, and it gives me the courage to accept anything that comes my way.
Let me do my best to sum up that journey from leaving Florida until now... Easter Day, 2013. It was certainly weird driving a large u-haul, but I managed it well, the only damage was the power meter on the outside of our new home. The trip didn't start when we hoped it would, and it wasn't done in a straight shot. I had the unbearable quiet of a truck with only AM/FM and Hannah / Ethan had the cacophony of two cats in carriers. As we reached North Florida, we realized we had a serious issue. No cash to pay our deposit with, and no more Bank Of America once we reached Mississippi. Honestly, it would have never occured to me that there wouldn't be a Bank Of America in Louisiana, but alas - there wasn't. We couldn't get money orders anywhere, so this problem coupled with fatigue and shrinking daylight forced for a night into a hotel. Hannah discovered a very useful tip, La Quinta accepts pets - so if you are ever in dire straights and have to evacuate with pets, keep this in mind.
The following morning we got under way fairly early and headed to our new home. It was a relatively short drive compared to our Florida exodus, and we arrived in Mid City around 1 as I recall. As soon as we exited the interstate, my mind was set on fire with the imagery around me. As much research as we had done on Google Earth, etc., it did not prepare my eyes for what surrounded me. I was following Hannah and Ethan as we exited at Metairie Cemetery, and were soon passing too many cemeteries to count, I was stunned when we turned into our new neighborhood, passing a massive and old Catholic church, and made our way along wrecked and narrow streets lined with shotguns and decay. We pulled upon our new house and it looked exactly as we expected. Overcast and cold, and after a day of rain, our front porch area was a mud pit. Hannah, Ethan and I unloaded the truck in record time, which I was immeasurably thankful for. Our first night was pizza from Lazzaro's and we managed to get some order to the chaos.
Day Two, our main objectives were groceries and returning the truck. We did the latter without incident and again, it was a striking array of eye candy. The rental place was across the street from this massive fortress like structure that was so imposing that it literally choked away the sun. We then relied on Suri to navigate us to groceries, and she took us everywhere from The Quarter to the CBD to Uptown... we somehow managed to find one on our own in Lakeview. A lovely and pricey local grocery store that was a block away from a need that we didn't know we had - Starbucks!
Those first few weeks were a struggle of frayed nerves and frustration versus the excitement of being here and all we had to explore. We did The Quarter, we did the cemeteries... but soon enough, I had to report to work, and Ethan had school. Unfortunately - we also still had boxes that we had no conceivable idea what to do with. Honestly, that's still a work in progress, but almost everything has a temporary home at least.
We've been treated almost without fail to a daily construction site complete with sounds since we moved in. The landlord's intent is to move in upstairs at some point, and he is awesome at letting us know he's here. Seriously - every day. Hannah found work quickly, and it's been a wonderful experience for her. She's appreciated and respected, and it's been rewarding. It's removed the stress of money issues from our plates, and it provides excitement about what we can accomplish. Work for me has been a mixed bag. I love my staff, but I've exchanged one type of stress, that of my job in Orlando, with a new set of stresses. One is having to talk to clients, that's completely new to me. And I am usually dealing with rather upset clients. The other challenge is not really knowing my job now. All of that structure and knowledge got me here, but now the description of what I do every day is completely new and foreign.
There's been some serious hurdles for Hannah and I on a personal level that only time can hope to mend. For the most part, our relationship is growing stronger and our understanding of one another is broadening. We took a huge leap moving in with one another with so little background or time under our belt, but I would say we've managed it quite well. We are a family. It feels like family. We share openly, and Ethan and I have grown close. It still has the new car smell, but we've figured out what all the buttons do. It's rewarding on a daily level, and I look forward to getting home every day. Hannah is an amazing cook, and Ethan is an incredible thinker. I'm blessed to be accepted by both of them and only have excitement when I think about our yeat ahead.
Moving here; moving to Mid City; taking the promotion... all of it are pieces that fit so nicely together. It really does feel like a reset, like anything is possible. And I know I have a wonderful support structure at my side, and it gives me the courage to accept anything that comes my way.
15 January, 2013
All Buttons Reset
This is the first time I am finding an opportunity to write since the whole transition happened. I want to start at the beginning, so this may be repititive to what I've already written about, it may be a bit wordy and winding. I start work on Thursday, so this is my last moment to articulate some thoughts. Hard to do when you are sharing space with two other people.
I don't recall when the position became available, and I wasn't sure I was going to apply for it. I was intrigued, one: because it's New Orleans; two: because it offered something new, something fresh and it was a challenge to step outside of my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong, Orlando still offered a lot of mystery and fun to me. But it had also become a daily balance of comfort and memories that haunted me. I could probably count on one hand the people I was close to in Orlando, and those were the people that embraced me as me, and not how they met me, or more importantly, how they perceived me or associated me with May. I really don't have time for people that think, despite meeting me and claiming me as a friend; that I would throw away my best friend's art. It actually sickens me and I have to question why they would have such a perception of me; and why would they want to continue this fake friendship we apparently have via Facebook. Had I known that would be the reaction, I would have rather given the art to strangers than to people I considered friends. I shouldn't even address this notion that I am gay because I am too friendly, or too animated, or because I am not intimidated to wear a skirt. That pathetic, homophobic (and I assure you it is); judgmental, bullshit unravels all your wisdom, spiritualism, and sincerity. That male ego crap, "or being a bitch" just points a window at your character and why you are no better than false Christians... you are painfully transparent and not worth anyone's friendship except possibly other bigots. So there will be a housecleaning of the friend's list soon...
Back to the move. I know it was before Thanksgiving, but probably after Halloween? There had been rumors that the branch was temporary and like many branches, it would be absorbed into a center. It's a rumor that seemed logical; it's happening throughout our company and a branch in New Orleans is at risk of flood and/or hurricane, why wouldn't it be moved?! They'd already lost one department as a result of loss of business following Katrina - so vaildation of the rumor seemed almost unecessary. When I was approached about the job - that was my immediate response. "Find out if there's any substance to the claims and then we'll talk. The early conversations that happened between my manager and the manager in New Orleans suggested that all they were we're rumors with no foundation, but then that manager was suddenly fired. I agreed to an interview with the recruiter for the region and I unloaded on him with these concerns. He fired back with his perceived reasons why that would not be reality, but no assurances would be made. It was at this time that I had told A and Hannah what was going on. Knowing Hannah had expressed a love with New Orleans and a desire for a new start - I asked her if she would want to go with me. To my amazement, she said yes. The next conversation/concern I addressed with my manager was financing the cost of the move. I was unequivically assured that it was "a non-concern and I will get you to New Orleans even if I have to pay for it himself".
The process continued, much more quickly than I had anticipated. The following week, I interviewed with the interim manager, and a colleague of her's in the same afternoon. Travel plans were set in motion to interview in person, and by mid-December I was flying to New Orleans. I carried with me the assurances of my supervisor and my manager that they would not interfere with dates, money, etc. and whatever New Orleans needed from me or more importantly; whenever New Orleans needed me - they could rest assured it was going to happen with their blessings. In my in-person interview, I relayed all of that and more. It was far less an interview that a day of observation to be sure it's what I wanted. And I saw nothing that put enough fear into me to stop the process. I flew in and out of the city on a Friday... I was offered the job the following Tuesday. A considerable bump in pay, and a relocation package that would cover our major expenses. It was in this period that E., Hannah's son was introduced to what lay ahead. It was my biggest concern; having felt and continuing to feel so much resentment about how often I was moved around as a child and being uprooted constantly and never forming bonds with people. It's created a disassociation and overcompensation I still struggle with now. I trust Hannah's judgment when it comes to her children; she's an amazing mother, but I still struggled with the idea of how all of this would affect E. Thankfully, his excitement grew, and he found lots that he wanted to experience and explore. I wasn't prepared for how the real work and struggle was yet to come.
Our first hurdle: my job. Completely renigged on their assurances and negotiated to keep me until after the first of the year. New Orleans needed me before year-end, as their supervisor had already postponed her relocation for a month and was financing two households, one in New Orleans and the other at her new location. I immediately felt trapped between two forces and betrayed. Business is business and it's how it works, it just becomes a reminder that life and living it often takes a back seat to corporate needs and it's an ugly reminder of the world you are enslaved to in order to survive and provide for a family. People have much greater struggles and every day is that reminder for them and I am thankful for what I have and the opportunites I've been given, just wish like so many people I had more control or happiness in that role of surviving/providing.
Our next hurdle was suddenly living together in the weeks leading up to the move. It was outside of the comfort zone for all three of us, and it didn't at all help that I worked right up until the last full day we were supposed to be in Florida. Long, stressful days of Year-End definitely took their toll on all of us, and I was reminded how shut-off I can be under that kind of stress. We weren't dealing with enough, my mood thrown into the mix was undermining what little support we were providing one another. A reminder of how emotionally selfish I can be.
Hurdle number three came in the form of another betrayal. Suddenly, that rock-solid "non-issue" of moving costs evaporated. Negotiations with my new manager, the relocation representative, and Hannah selling her van gave us the money we needed and maybe we didn't do what was expected of us, it did give us the means to make the move a reality.
Our last hurdle... finding a place to live. Assurances; good feelings; excitement; anticipation quickly began morphing into anxiety, stress, and the thoughts of being "fucked". Had it not been for a literally, last minute find by friends of Hannah's living in New Orleans - the though of living in a hotel for a week started to seem like reality. We found out hours before leaving that we got the place.
Okay - I am about to head out the door... so I will give you Part Two later tonight or tomorrow...
I don't recall when the position became available, and I wasn't sure I was going to apply for it. I was intrigued, one: because it's New Orleans; two: because it offered something new, something fresh and it was a challenge to step outside of my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong, Orlando still offered a lot of mystery and fun to me. But it had also become a daily balance of comfort and memories that haunted me. I could probably count on one hand the people I was close to in Orlando, and those were the people that embraced me as me, and not how they met me, or more importantly, how they perceived me or associated me with May. I really don't have time for people that think, despite meeting me and claiming me as a friend; that I would throw away my best friend's art. It actually sickens me and I have to question why they would have such a perception of me; and why would they want to continue this fake friendship we apparently have via Facebook. Had I known that would be the reaction, I would have rather given the art to strangers than to people I considered friends. I shouldn't even address this notion that I am gay because I am too friendly, or too animated, or because I am not intimidated to wear a skirt. That pathetic, homophobic (and I assure you it is); judgmental, bullshit unravels all your wisdom, spiritualism, and sincerity. That male ego crap, "or being a bitch" just points a window at your character and why you are no better than false Christians... you are painfully transparent and not worth anyone's friendship except possibly other bigots. So there will be a housecleaning of the friend's list soon...
Back to the move. I know it was before Thanksgiving, but probably after Halloween? There had been rumors that the branch was temporary and like many branches, it would be absorbed into a center. It's a rumor that seemed logical; it's happening throughout our company and a branch in New Orleans is at risk of flood and/or hurricane, why wouldn't it be moved?! They'd already lost one department as a result of loss of business following Katrina - so vaildation of the rumor seemed almost unecessary. When I was approached about the job - that was my immediate response. "Find out if there's any substance to the claims and then we'll talk. The early conversations that happened between my manager and the manager in New Orleans suggested that all they were we're rumors with no foundation, but then that manager was suddenly fired. I agreed to an interview with the recruiter for the region and I unloaded on him with these concerns. He fired back with his perceived reasons why that would not be reality, but no assurances would be made. It was at this time that I had told A and Hannah what was going on. Knowing Hannah had expressed a love with New Orleans and a desire for a new start - I asked her if she would want to go with me. To my amazement, she said yes. The next conversation/concern I addressed with my manager was financing the cost of the move. I was unequivically assured that it was "a non-concern and I will get you to New Orleans even if I have to pay for it himself".
The process continued, much more quickly than I had anticipated. The following week, I interviewed with the interim manager, and a colleague of her's in the same afternoon. Travel plans were set in motion to interview in person, and by mid-December I was flying to New Orleans. I carried with me the assurances of my supervisor and my manager that they would not interfere with dates, money, etc. and whatever New Orleans needed from me or more importantly; whenever New Orleans needed me - they could rest assured it was going to happen with their blessings. In my in-person interview, I relayed all of that and more. It was far less an interview that a day of observation to be sure it's what I wanted. And I saw nothing that put enough fear into me to stop the process. I flew in and out of the city on a Friday... I was offered the job the following Tuesday. A considerable bump in pay, and a relocation package that would cover our major expenses. It was in this period that E., Hannah's son was introduced to what lay ahead. It was my biggest concern; having felt and continuing to feel so much resentment about how often I was moved around as a child and being uprooted constantly and never forming bonds with people. It's created a disassociation and overcompensation I still struggle with now. I trust Hannah's judgment when it comes to her children; she's an amazing mother, but I still struggled with the idea of how all of this would affect E. Thankfully, his excitement grew, and he found lots that he wanted to experience and explore. I wasn't prepared for how the real work and struggle was yet to come.
Our first hurdle: my job. Completely renigged on their assurances and negotiated to keep me until after the first of the year. New Orleans needed me before year-end, as their supervisor had already postponed her relocation for a month and was financing two households, one in New Orleans and the other at her new location. I immediately felt trapped between two forces and betrayed. Business is business and it's how it works, it just becomes a reminder that life and living it often takes a back seat to corporate needs and it's an ugly reminder of the world you are enslaved to in order to survive and provide for a family. People have much greater struggles and every day is that reminder for them and I am thankful for what I have and the opportunites I've been given, just wish like so many people I had more control or happiness in that role of surviving/providing.
Our next hurdle was suddenly living together in the weeks leading up to the move. It was outside of the comfort zone for all three of us, and it didn't at all help that I worked right up until the last full day we were supposed to be in Florida. Long, stressful days of Year-End definitely took their toll on all of us, and I was reminded how shut-off I can be under that kind of stress. We weren't dealing with enough, my mood thrown into the mix was undermining what little support we were providing one another. A reminder of how emotionally selfish I can be.
Hurdle number three came in the form of another betrayal. Suddenly, that rock-solid "non-issue" of moving costs evaporated. Negotiations with my new manager, the relocation representative, and Hannah selling her van gave us the money we needed and maybe we didn't do what was expected of us, it did give us the means to make the move a reality.
Our last hurdle... finding a place to live. Assurances; good feelings; excitement; anticipation quickly began morphing into anxiety, stress, and the thoughts of being "fucked". Had it not been for a literally, last minute find by friends of Hannah's living in New Orleans - the though of living in a hotel for a week started to seem like reality. We found out hours before leaving that we got the place.
Okay - I am about to head out the door... so I will give you Part Two later tonight or tomorrow...
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