This is the first time I am finding an opportunity to write since the whole transition happened. I want to start at the beginning, so this may be repititive to what I've already written about, it may be a bit wordy and winding. I start work on Thursday, so this is my last moment to articulate some thoughts. Hard to do when you are sharing space with two other people.
I don't recall when the position became available, and I wasn't sure I was going to apply for it. I was intrigued, one: because it's New Orleans; two: because it offered something new, something fresh and it was a challenge to step outside of my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong, Orlando still offered a lot of mystery and fun to me. But it had also become a daily balance of comfort and memories that haunted me. I could probably count on one hand the people I was close to in Orlando, and those were the people that embraced me as me, and not how they met me, or more importantly, how they perceived me or associated me with May. I really don't have time for people that think, despite meeting me and claiming me as a friend; that I would throw away my best friend's art. It actually sickens me and I have to question why they would have such a perception of me; and why would they want to continue this fake friendship we apparently have via Facebook. Had I known that would be the reaction, I would have rather given the art to strangers than to people I considered friends. I shouldn't even address this notion that I am gay because I am too friendly, or too animated, or because I am not intimidated to wear a skirt. That pathetic, homophobic (and I assure you it is); judgmental, bullshit unravels all your wisdom, spiritualism, and sincerity. That male ego crap, "or being a bitch" just points a window at your character and why you are no better than false Christians... you are painfully transparent and not worth anyone's friendship except possibly other bigots. So there will be a housecleaning of the friend's list soon...
Back to the move. I know it was before Thanksgiving, but probably after Halloween? There had been rumors that the branch was temporary and like many branches, it would be absorbed into a center. It's a rumor that seemed logical; it's happening throughout our company and a branch in New Orleans is at risk of flood and/or hurricane, why wouldn't it be moved?! They'd already lost one department as a result of loss of business following Katrina - so vaildation of the rumor seemed almost unecessary. When I was approached about the job - that was my immediate response. "Find out if there's any substance to the claims and then we'll talk. The early conversations that happened between my manager and the manager in New Orleans suggested that all they were we're rumors with no foundation, but then that manager was suddenly fired. I agreed to an interview with the recruiter for the region and I unloaded on him with these concerns. He fired back with his perceived reasons why that would not be reality, but no assurances would be made. It was at this time that I had told A and Hannah what was going on. Knowing Hannah had expressed a love with New Orleans and a desire for a new start - I asked her if she would want to go with me. To my amazement, she said yes. The next conversation/concern I addressed with my manager was financing the cost of the move. I was unequivically assured that it was "a non-concern and I will get you to New Orleans even if I have to pay for it himself".
The process continued, much more quickly than I had anticipated. The following week, I interviewed with the interim manager, and a colleague of her's in the same afternoon. Travel plans were set in motion to interview in person, and by mid-December I was flying to New Orleans. I carried with me the assurances of my supervisor and my manager that they would not interfere with dates, money, etc. and whatever New Orleans needed from me or more importantly; whenever New Orleans needed me - they could rest assured it was going to happen with their blessings. In my in-person interview, I relayed all of that and more. It was far less an interview that a day of observation to be sure it's what I wanted. And I saw nothing that put enough fear into me to stop the process. I flew in and out of the city on a Friday... I was offered the job the following Tuesday. A considerable bump in pay, and a relocation package that would cover our major expenses. It was in this period that E., Hannah's son was introduced to what lay ahead. It was my biggest concern; having felt and continuing to feel so much resentment about how often I was moved around as a child and being uprooted constantly and never forming bonds with people. It's created a disassociation and overcompensation I still struggle with now. I trust Hannah's judgment when it comes to her children; she's an amazing mother, but I still struggled with the idea of how all of this would affect E. Thankfully, his excitement grew, and he found lots that he wanted to experience and explore. I wasn't prepared for how the real work and struggle was yet to come.
Our first hurdle: my job. Completely renigged on their assurances and negotiated to keep me until after the first of the year. New Orleans needed me before year-end, as their supervisor had already postponed her relocation for a month and was financing two households, one in New Orleans and the other at her new location. I immediately felt trapped between two forces and betrayed. Business is business and it's how it works, it just becomes a reminder that life and living it often takes a back seat to corporate needs and it's an ugly reminder of the world you are enslaved to in order to survive and provide for a family. People have much greater struggles and every day is that reminder for them and I am thankful for what I have and the opportunites I've been given, just wish like so many people I had more control or happiness in that role of surviving/providing.
Our next hurdle was suddenly living together in the weeks leading up to the move. It was outside of the comfort zone for all three of us, and it didn't at all help that I worked right up until the last full day we were supposed to be in Florida. Long, stressful days of Year-End definitely took their toll on all of us, and I was reminded how shut-off I can be under that kind of stress. We weren't dealing with enough, my mood thrown into the mix was undermining what little support we were providing one another. A reminder of how emotionally selfish I can be.
Hurdle number three came in the form of another betrayal. Suddenly, that rock-solid "non-issue" of moving costs evaporated. Negotiations with my new manager, the relocation representative, and Hannah selling her van gave us the money we needed and maybe we didn't do what was expected of us, it did give us the means to make the move a reality.
Our last hurdle... finding a place to live. Assurances; good feelings; excitement; anticipation quickly began morphing into anxiety, stress, and the thoughts of being "fucked". Had it not been for a literally, last minute find by friends of Hannah's living in New Orleans - the though of living in a hotel for a week started to seem like reality. We found out hours before leaving that we got the place.
Okay - I am about to head out the door... so I will give you Part Two later tonight or tomorrow...
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