Quiet

My nemesis, Quiet. Odd, that when you are depressed that every song somehow mocks you. So, no music. Television and film have an uncanny way of reminding one of what they are no longer sharing with someone, so no t.v. Unfortunately, no one to really hang out with or talk to because suddenly everyone is gone, busy, or buried. So it's just quiet. Tried retail therapy today and what did I buy?! A cd for H, and the new DCD which reminds me of H. Awesome, gold medal in torturing myself. My diet of the past 3 days has consisted of watermelon jolly ranchers, a bagel and pepsi. My new doctor will certainly share his appreciation. I can't eat when I'm upset, and I am still upset. Not angry anymore, but not ready to color chalk rainbows on a sidewalk either.

So, my goals. Once the pain of this subsides, are to figure out what is normal and what is healthy for me. Need to find happiness without necessarily finding romance. Need to get back on top of my health problems and need to get a hold on my 'heart' problems. Need to figure out how to be my own best company, because pacifying loneliness with others means at some point you will be lonely again.

My vacation is over. Second one this year and both have been... I don't really know what word I would put at the end of that sentence. I guess in hindsight, those days off gave me time to cope and go back to work and focus. I suppose that's exactly what I need to do. Work, oddly enough is the only consistent and stable thing in my life for the past 11 years, as pathetic as that sounds. Maybe it's time to embrace a challenge and apply for the next supervisor position, wherever that may take me. I like it here in Orlando, but I am slowly constructing a graveyard of memories around me. No one is putting their life on hold for me, why should I be an exception?