Cyclical

So much happened, so much changed... today - it's almost as if nothing happened. No resolutions were made; no expectations set; no real understanding established on how to resolve; but somehow, inexplicably - things are okay? Not really buying into that, I am too much a realist to expect nothing will produce abundance. Again, I can assume, but the last two times I was foolish enough to gamble with that flimsy hand - my bluff was called. Rebuild a little until an all-in ante comes up... I don't know if I can do that again. I am already operating off of the most fragile of framework; a skeletal collection of frayed nerves from which is tethered cast iron emotions. I've had the luxury of being in charge this week, so my focus is definitely grounded in the mundane and tedious, where the relationships are chaotic and much like a children being left at home on their own for the first time. You may come home to ping pong balls evaporated on the stove burners, or you may come home and worry that everything seems eerily in place. Point is, it's essentially taken my mind out of this insipid battle of wills and emotional manipulation and simply reply with frustration at the entire debacle. I know in the pit of my stomach however that not a damn thing is fixed and everything is still quite broken. It's a framed family portrait with shattered glass where all of the pieces, though still broken, have been put in place to give the facade of normalcy. Do I wait until the pieces fall out, or do I re-frame it? I don't have the energy to do this anymore. Dead Can Dance has been fucked; I've been fucked; and I just kind of want to be selfish now. I must be entitled to a turn at this game, right? Haven't been selfish in a long, long time... unless you consider how I covet and carve the pale fabric of my skin. I really feel like I am fading; disappearing; an almost non-sentient caricature of other people's place for me in their lives.