Vacuous

It shouldn't feel that way; it really shouldn't, but it's company is suffocating. Severing that connection with someone who for all intents and purposes is your reflection of both good and bad doesn't take courage, it takes being sick of yourself. There's really nothing to say, it was necessary for both of us to say goodbye. It's not been that simple with so much invested, but I hope the best for both of us wherever the paths take us.

Friday, it was so relaxing and nice. Natural. It's rare to find such simplicity and somehow manage a lovely evening, but for me personally, it's the most comfortable I've been in awhile. I am not erecting palaces and penning great novels, it's just refreshing to feel welcomed by someone else.

There's something I haven't really discussed with but one other person and not in any kind of depth with anyone. It's a nagging dischord in my efforts to find balance, direction, and solace with myself, my surroundings, and my quiet evenings. California has let it be known to me personally that they are still interested in me working for them and that there may be an opening very soon. I really didn't bat an eyelash this time when they asked... save one. And I am keeping that to myself this time. In an effort to not put carts before horses - I have banished all carts. The comment has been made so many times, "do something for you", or "do what's best for Ron". I think I did that. I maybe made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons, but I am pretty sure that was me deciding to give up a promotion and stay in Orlando last year. What would be easier for me is if people would just be completely open with me. I will and always will choose people over promotion, I am not driven by being a corporate success or money, I am driven by things that feel, have depth, and have a soul. But no one wants that burden or responsibility of keeping someone based on emotion or feelings. I don't know - it's a hard one. It takes vulnerability. I don't know what's going to happen - but should I isolate myself from meeting someone or having feelings about someone because I might be going away? Even if I should, I am not wired with that functionality.

So, yeah, California. So much going on there, but the idea of being alone is so scary. In conjunction with banning carts, I decided to begin rearranging. What went from an art room to a waiting room is now going to be my music room. No, I won't be able to listen to music in there because my neighbor hates it, but I can quietly store all I want. Haven't decided if I am going to relocate the vinyl and cassettes, but I am happy with the results so far. I am going to bust out some of my stored posters... Nine Inch Nails, Smashing Pumpkins, and some Motley Crue as well. I am reclaiming the room - it's been someone else's since I moved here. Fuck that - it's mine now. And Birthday's of course.

I am still a little incapacitated, but nothing like the week. It's swollen and tender, but it's functional. Saturday and Sunday - kind of empty. That's where the redecorating came from. I need to overcome this. I had a good night Friday - that should fill me with something wonderful that carries me to the next good evening. The problem is, I rely on that company. If I am not sharing a moment with someone, it has no value, and that is the thought process I need to fix. I can't be living in California and not content with being alone - I will go effing nuts. So, it's a work in progress.

Well, the words aren't really cohesive tonight but I wanted to write regardless. I'm considering a Haloeween V.4 - but then I question why? Who will I be sharing it with? Oh, Halloween, why do you forsake me? Lol.

Listening: Ela Orleans - "Something Higher"