Another odd week to put into the books. I've been wanting to write, but honestly, I have been and still am at a loss to articulate these thoughts. The standards are there: still missing H; more than a little disappointed at how my Halloween will take shape; and haunted by the seemingly inescapable reminders of something that was profoundly heart-warming; and of course insomnia. But I really should try to discuss matters beyond that, sort of force it out; all scattered like if necessary.
I think I will start with last Wednesday. I decided I was going to see Faun Fables. It was cheap enough, unique enough, and I thought unlikely to repeat, so GO! Fully intent on going alone, something for me to enjoy (or not) and not have to necessarily share at all. Really, just a moment that was mine; kind of a baby step in trying to convince myself that doing something on my own was completely okay and no one was going to chase me through the streets of Orlando with pitchforks and burning lumber. Alas, my need for escape was not allowed to be just mine, and that revelation came guilt-wrapped. Fine... let's try for a different baby step. "A. - this relationship is inbalanced to such freakish levels that Carnegie would have created a side show to exhibit it. You need to distance yourself from me and make the choices you are ignoring because nothing is ever going to change until you intervene in your own life. I am in a state of decay; incapable of supporting both our weights anymore." It was a conversation that would have perhaps utterly ruined the entire evening had it not been for Ashley Dudukovich. She got onstage as opener for Faun Fables and it was almost as if she had a book of lyrics penned in the blood from my hemorrhaging heart. She didn't fix anything, she did however distinctly touch upon me the idea that as fragile as we are, we can manage such beauty. And I knew from her words, she was not immune to hurt, pain, and being on the verge of collapse - yet this brave soul stood before all 20 of us and wore that pain and presented it's wound with such sincerity and beauty. It wasn't ugly to me; I wasn't a voyeur to her shattered happiness; her willingness to be vulnerable was inspiring.
Inspiration can lead you down a dark path. Thursday. Basically had to hit and run Karen's show at Sip. Did not want to have to do that, but after the difficult night prior, I was not ready to embrace all of Halo, or put on that brave, "I'm ok" face. But I took inspiration from a friend and I decided to share my core, honest feelings with the people in my life: friends, peers, bosses. Quite a mixed result, but I learned that so few people want to know the truth good or bad. There's a reason that "ignorance is bliss" is a phrase that presses upon the lips to this day.
The rest of my weekend was one of those weekends that gnaw at me uncomfortably. Save for Bethy offering me escape and friendship - I may have said it was a complete loss. Piecing together the puzzle of enjoying alone time... I can't even find the edge pieces. I know I want amazing friendships in my life, because as a child and a teenager, I was never allowed the luxury of building those foundations with others. I know it's why I have such a hard time connecting with others, and why I foolishly and inherently trust others. I try much too hard to cement those relationships and often they are received as me looking for something more. Partly that's true, but it's more the idea of having someone to share with, explore with, have adventures with. When you boil it down to it's wrecked roots, I want someone to play with. I am exhausted by my sadness and my loneliness, it's not just since May left - it's as far back as I can remember. It's you telling me after not seeing me for 2 weeks, "no, I didn't miss you, it was nice to have some space". It's coming home after school and finding a garage full of boxes.
My weekend of nothing was necessary anyway. I filled it with documentaries about strange tiles, mothman, henry darger and an 80's movie called "Night Of The Comets". Friday, I wrecked my back at work and I did not start to feel good until Sunday evening. Monday - scorched earth at best. Severed lines with A., opened up to a friend and that went utterly wrong, and spent the evening prying apart the mysteries of another friend which I have surrounded her in. Again, she was a light on an otherwise 'lost at sea' kind of day.
Tuesday - the utterly confused friend turned into rather annoyed friend. Neat. Blew out my knee, spent too many hours in a hospital, arrived home to find a book I ordered months ago and had hoped to be sharing with H., and then looked at my stairs as if I would never again know what lay beyond them besides the cat that watched me labor painfully upon them.
I just don't know. Everything seems so fucking crazy. I am manufacturing crazy in my life, why?!? I need and want it to stop and to do so, I need to quiet this voice that says life isn't of value without someone sharing it with you. I know I don't want to be alone forever, but I need to know and believe that it's okay to be alone right now. H. did it for years. Bethy does it, S. does it. And all are people that I respect and admire wholly, in part because of that. It's a great mystery to me, like they've unraveled some ancient riddle. I want it too.
Listening To: James Iha - "Look To The Sky"
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