Without Sleep

My body is absolutely exhausted. A several mile walk full of resolve and stimulation didn't bring about a wealth of rest. A heartfelt and open discussion that offered me a lot of insight and strength purchased minutes, not hours with a dream world. Copious amounts of liquor did manage to put a strangle hold on my motivation but refused to hold the door to anything resembling sleep. Bloodletting, drinking, resolution, 120 Minutes with or without Matt Pinfield, coping with my memories of you - all of it has brought me no closer to this one perfect thing that at this point my mind has exiled to an unknown land and left me with no clues. Insomnia is a vicious cycle, because at the very moment you offer thoughts that suggest something is wrong, you've resigned your mind and body to a fateful contract from which the fine print is endless. You managed to successfully outwit yourself from perhaps ever sleeping normally again. Imagine if we could apply that delicate and simple power to other things in our life, like love, adoration, trust, friendship. Since I am in this losing battle, I have grown quite content to lay all of my struggles at the feet of this unrelenting foe. It's because of you (insomnia), that I cannot accept heartbreak and believe I will heal and one day find someone to share my passions with. It's your fault that the majority of my friendships have been shred to just tethers. It's your fault that people no longer recognize me and frankly aren't a whole lot fond of this other person. It's your fault that a razorblade offers as much solace as lunch with a friend.

There's a lot of things that happen when a person sleeps. They heal; they write into their subconscious that day's experiences and processes them either in dreams or rationale; and they learn. I sort of feel like a car with an electrical problem... I am driven around but never get turned off for fear that I may not restart. So, I refuel at great risk of fire; I sit idle at lights overheating and polluting the people around me; and when I do finally get home where the greatest opportunity exists for me to restart, I sit in the driveway getting cold, and leaving others to question my reliability and not trusting me like they once did. A bond has been broken.

Like I alluded to, sleep is a scapegoat. I have these problems because I have created or manifested them. And in all honesty, I am feeling better than I did a week ago, and especially two weeks ago. A very strong conversation with someone helped me to realize that what I am putting out into this world is not the beauty I am capable of, and unless I want it to return in my life, I need to send it out. This decayed and unhealthy person I am becoming is only manifesting and drawing more of the same. When I sat and reflected on this later that day, I realized how frighteningly true those comments were. As my mood and patience and trust slipped away from me into darkness, all of my relationships slid right along with it, and worse, those relationships repaid me in spades. I also realized how amazing the people are that I am lucky enough to have in my life. They are so varied and I am blessed. I have learned so much and will learn so much from all of them. I am slowly becoming my own person again and I have made some costly mistakes that didn't just hurt me. I have to accept it, because I am going to make them. It was a lot easier when I didn't exist and all of me was a shadow of someone else and I allowed that, I was comfortable there. Let me do this, let me support this, and I will invest all of my resources, energy and time into making you something so wonderful, we can share that. It's a devastating reality when that becomes a source of resentment and anger and irreparably damaged and you are left as a ghost.

As I said, I am so blessed to have met the people I have. No, I don't think I will find someone again that I can have a YouTube date with and it be the perfect night. I don't think I will necessarily find someone I can sit and watch Akira Kurosawa movies with and marvel at the beauty and sincerity of those films. I might not be lucky enough to find someone that is willing to just get in the car and go get lost with me and have a day's adventure of quirky, laughing, music, and mischief. I am not likely to meet someone that has the resources to order fresh lilacs for my birthday. It doesn't mean love can't exist in my life, these things are moments that built love and there will be others equally magnificent I am sure. I am rich with these experiences, and they will always be special to me and I will always love the people I shared them with. One thing is certain, until I can find a path to being happy on my own, and self-confident and have a sense of self-worth, no one else will see it in me either.