Everywhere around me are gifts for someone who as of Monday wishes to have nothing to do with me. I'm not really sure what will become of this mélange of misfit love? Part of me hopes that it will in some way find an open door to their intended recipient, because despite what she thinks, I do have a great deal of care for her and I always will, connected or not. I am still a little broken at the shattering of that tie, but I have to accept it. Had the previous day not been a complete disaster and dissolving of my bond with my ex, then I probably wouldn't have been able to swallow the end so acceptingly - but because I was already hemorrhaging from all the insidious little words thrown at me the day before, being cut-off this way seemed like just one more shovel of dirt. I basically waited to hit the bottom/cliché county song scenarios to unfold: car breaks down; loses job; pet dies. Unfortunately, from a completely selfish perspective, I am without anyone locally I can trust or confide in. Yes, I am to blame for that in my choice of words. I happen to believe that I am capable of making mistakes and I may sometimes be selfish, and though it's not okay, I think it's forgivable. But that's not my choice to make.
Maybe I didn't lose my job, my car, my pet - but this week, right up until today has been no less a rollercoaster and a series of unforeseen chaos. Between system issues at work and having to defend people I don't respect, it's almost been an out of body experience. I am too tired to explore all those details tonight; I will in another post this week. My five hours of sleep since Thursday has wrecked my ability to conjoin words into cohesive patterns that represent recognizable language.
Inexplicably, this week/weekend comes to a close with closure. With so few people in my life now, there simply aren't a lot of loose ends that occur. On a positive note, I was part of and witnessed something that gives me hope for someone I care about but haven't had much interaction with in the past few weeks. A night and morning filled with so much disgust, anger, and difficulty - somehow turned into a new beginning. Maybe they hit the bottom finally; somehow I am envious. But mostly frightened as to what bottom looks like for me when I've already been through so much hurt.
Listening to: Ethyl Meatplow - "KCRW - 1 August 1993"
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