Oh Rozz

Still, I listen to your voice; hear your words; and the emotions usher forth. I was admittedly already on the fragile side. I really am not in a writing mood, but my head is flooding, or sinking actually.

I try to treat people with respect. I'd like for the people that are close to me to feel important and special, and I think it's something I am consistent in doing. I don't believe I am demanding of a person's time, attention, or focus. But more than once, I've been left feeling like there's no time for me. Something oddly enough I never asked for, and secondly, don't feel I should be dismissed because of. Yes, I understand your life is chaos, and I fully understand and respect it, and never once suggested it was an issue for me. I do feel however, I deserve something a little more than, nothing or excuses. You chose to sacrifice 'friendship' (I thought it was), because of a schedule, and I certainly deserve better than that. I am not a commodity you can return to the store, I am non-refundable, and now I am not trusting as well. If it's my feelings you wanted to spare, you tragically failed, despite your least amount of effort. Anyway, it's gone now. I'm not mad or bitter towards you and I hope it's the resolve you needed.

Sitting here surrounded by a pile of paper scraps, envelopes, rubber stamps, and my fingers are charcoal-colored from all the ink. "Would anyone else do this?", I wonder. "Does it matter?" "Is this the problem?" I'm so confused, it just seems like sharing, caring, and trusting are like razors to my relationships. And since this is who I am, I feel hopeless and lost in the idea that I will find someone. I look at my alternatives, and I don't know how to care about football, and bimbos, and the new Linkin Park album. I don't know how to be dismissive of someone's feelings, or shut-off to emotion, or cast a blank stare at anything with sub-text or requires reading between the lines. But I seriously feel like my personal life is in ruin because I cannot learn and adopt these qualities. I feel utterly unique, but not at all special. So, I look at all these parcels and tethers to friendship, and I think, it's fragile and fleeting and soon to be gone. I'm begging for evidence to the contrary.

Anyway, I need to go and make an effort at sleep.

Listening to: "Haloeween V.4"