It's inappropriate for me to spill the abstract of my emotions here when I have grave concerns about the NE. My work week will begin in a rescue atmosphere for some of our largest centers in the NE. It's going to be a no-holds-barred stress factory until Thursday. I will gladly take that stress so that people evacuate and are safe. It's really a concerning situation.
Where last week was a dissolving of comfort, this week is a reconnection with the people I love. I am of course thankful to have those connections, but it's toll on my emotions is difficult to articulate. I am not sure what I feel or what I should feel. Confusion is the best I can come up with. Distrust is another. What's wrong with me? What is it that I do that drives someone to the point of exploding at me, or cutting me off completely? It's obviously something related to my behavior because far too many people have made efforts to isolate themselves from me to be coincidence. It's something I need to sit and reflect on and understand it's source and correct it by whatever means are needed. The last thing I want is a remaining bitterness between myself and someone I care about; someone that cared about me. Maybe I do forgive too willingly? Forgiveness, is an aspect of love that I feel is vital. It is not forgetting, but I recognize that people act out of anger, bitterness, and of course, we all make mistakes or phrase things in a selfish way. Sometimes it's a pattern people get locked into. There is hurt that comes about from these occurrences, on both sides, and I have a hard time letting someone important in my life become a ghost. If there was abuse involved then the circumstances to protect yourself are certainly different, but in instances where it's emotional and raw, I hold on to the belief that there can be a horizon where two people that care about one another can find a way back. While I am willing to forgive, trust is much harder. Being hurt isn't high on the "Things I'd Like To Do Today" list. I can only be hurt by love, and love can be such an insidious creature. It knows every fragility; it's vocabulary is mentally penned with confidences and trusts bestowed; and love's warmth is only paralleled by it's ability to be callously cold. I know I am rambling a bit here, my thoughts are jigsaw scattered. When I am asked tomorrow how my weekend was; "surreal" will be my response. I could not have imagined I would be watching dawn break with you, beyond even seeing you after so much absence, I must have seemed scared...
I finally witnessed the spectacle and sexuality of Orlando's Halloween. A lonelier person could masturbate endlessly for months on the things I witnessed last night. I can't find fault with adults using Halloween as an opportunity to express whatever they wear beneath their skin on any average day. I do find exception with how that has translated into teen and children's costumes. Not every fantasy/film/career/icon needs to be hyper-sexualized whether it's what my kid wants or not. In my opinion, it is not okay if my child wants to be a sexy vamp on this one day out of the year. She/He is not adult enough to understand the dynamics of being "sexy" and that it's more than the attention it garners. To be honest, most adults don't understand it either. I realize this is an old argument and I am not offering anything new to the debate. Wearing next to nothing generally shows a lack of imagination, and the fantasy you are bringing to the party is one that probably would turn your stomach if it was painted out for you. Challenge me, bring me your imagination, show me who you idolize or want to pay your homage to. What speaks to you? I did certainly see some of that as well, and when all is said and done - it was an experience I'm glad to have been a part of.
Well, I need to close. Things to do. I likely will be scarce for a bit...until Sandy is done. Everyone take care and have an amazing Halloween. Much love!
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