Crashed

It's such beautiful weather tonight, it beckons me to be outside, but I have no where to be. Half of me wants to get in the car and go somewhere, the depressed half just wants to shut in and shut off.

I am not down because of any one thing in particular. I think I am disappointed more than anything, because I thought I turned that corner. Yes, my plans for Friday didn't come to fruition, but I understood it and i was fine with it. Even today's plans falling through. If that's all it had been, no problem. But the conversation this morning, I was unprepared for it, and I have no idea where it came from. I am not in any position to demand or expect disclosure, I hope I am getting honesty. Nonetheless, it was a conversation that I have complete confidence will be revisited (unfortunately), and it will likely be a third party to our excursions (if any) going forward. I'm left feeling convinced this is another relationship that is damaged, and it was one of only a handful remaining that I had trust in. Not unlike my falling out with T and no less confusing.

I decided to follow this up with some History Detectives. What could possibly fucking go wrong with that idea? Touching on a completely different set of emotions was the story of a Vietnam Veteran who had in his possession for 50 years, a journal he procured from the body of a slain North Vietnamese soldier. Guilt had been his companion through life, and before he died, he wished to make it right and elicited the help of Wes Cowen to somehow find a way to return the journal to the slain soldier's family. Unbelievably, he was able to do just that with the help of the U.S. State Department and Vietnamese government. I was literally crying like I haven't cried in I don't even know how long. The words of this slain soldier's family coupled with the visible pain and guilt of this American veteran was too much. When the story finished, I turned off everything but the computer and finished up Haloeween V.4. I may have chosen a bad day to do so; it's not my best effort, but I do feel accomplished with it. Going to send it out to two people this coming week.

I was feeling a bit better and put on a documentary I've been excited to watch, Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession. I knew right from the onset, this was not going to be an easy journey. Basically, Z Channel was a Los Angeles-area cable network channel that preceded HBO, Showtime, etc. It was not the first, but it was very successful. More than that, under the direction of Jerry Harvey, the station was innovative, provocative, and inspiring. Harvey sought out lost films, and would befriend (obsessively) directors for films they had made that saw little to no release. And because he would air these, commercial-free and unedited, he won the hearts of directors, actors, and producers - he provided a voice that wasn't dictated by critics or movie studios or budgets. It's praise was finally being realized when they saved Heaven's Gate from oblivion and Salvador from editor's ruin and managed to get James Woods an Academy nod as a result. Sadly, Harvey carried some darkness, and it managed to free itself from his control and he murdered his wife and then himself. A close friend of his was rather eloquent in describing the damage his darkness brought to so many lives, and how palpable and real it was. But believed that the inspiration and innovation of such a man can be equally palpable. I left this viewing feeling rather fucking wrecked.

It's officially Sunday now, and I am going to start this day off with something positive. H and I spent a lot of time texting Friday, and I feel confident we can salvage a friendship from what we've shared. The emotions are still raw, but the hurt is subsiding. We are sharing again, and I hope that will lead to trust and a willingness to hang out or have an adventure again. Time will tell, and I am not pushing it. The simple truth is, H is sometimes the only foundation I find when my own is bottoming out. It just reinforces what I already know, what an amazing and wonderful person she is.

Listening to: ✝ DE△D VIRGIN ✝ - "Anxieties"