Last One

This weekend has been an anxiety meteor shower, last night being a full blown storm. If I didn't literally wake-up every twenty minutes, I would be amazed. I feel wrecked instead of rested. I've been making an effort to not act on anxious thoughts and instead give them time to be well-formulated decisions, but I've one more, possibly irrational thing to do.

First off, I was of the opinion that no one was reading this blog. The lack of comments supported that belief. Seriously, that's fine. My perception of my blog was one of a journal/diary. I wasn't uncomfortable with doing so in an open setting, because I am generally pretty open with how I feel about things. I also believed that as long as I kept names out of my blog, then I wasn't publicly admonishing, praising, worshiping, hating anyone... beyond what anyone else would know besides the person involved. Recently, my friend, K. quoted a sentence from a post, and I realized someone was reading my thoughts, and further comments from others cemented that  curiosity. Again, I don't have a problem with people wanting to know, or voyeuristically reading the "tickings of a young man".

I have however, decided to stop making personal posts. There's two reasons. The main reason is this: my blog is in no way a supplement for you and I to have a conversation. There is nothing I write here that I wouldn't share with you in person. And I know the majority of you, whoever you are reading my blog, don't know me well enough or have enough trust in me to know that I am open, trusting, and not looking to crawl down your pants. That was an assumption I was making that a friend helped me to understand better. It was quite an epiphany really, not everyone is like me, and not everyone knows me as I'd like them to. Back on point though, there's been a series of conversations where assumptions have been made about a blog post, or feelings have been hurt. If you knew me, as I'd like you to know me, hurting people is really the last thing I'd ever want to bestow on someone, anyone. I forgive a lot,  A LOT, to my own detriment, but hurt whether intentional or unintentional is not who I am. These interactions in which my a phrase from my blog takes breath is alarming, and for those with enough courage to challenge me on it, I wonder how many haven't, and how many upset/confused/hurt people are there that I haven't uttered a word to?

Secondly, I tend to write from the endless springs that are my emotions. Emotional writing is charged writing, and I feel it carries an energy. Which brings me to why I chose electronic writing over pen and notebook. I have a few of those notebooks and volumes of poems from my teens into my twenties, and they still reek of a very fractured and broken spirit. I felt brave enough to open one the other night, and it made me ill. I also realized that if I burned all of this, I wouldn't miss it, because I suck at writing. Between losing countless journals due to incapacitated states, and having a physical manifestation of raw emotion pulsing from a bookcase until the end of time; I decided electronically writing is like a cloned sheep... no soul. It's life begins and exists on a series of cables and encased discs until such a time that the Terminators take over, or I swallow the correctly-colored pill.

So, no more personal posts. I will continue to share music, photos, interests, but not much depth beyond that. At least until some aspect of my life begins to settle. The big one is myself. Understanding why I am the way I am, either accepting or changing it, and why I seek unreciprocated love. Secondly, my personal life needs to have some stability. I need to understand and trust it, and find a friendship that values me as much as I value them, without the worries of, "when are we going to be naked?" And finally, I'd like to find harmony in my personal interests as much as my work interests. I want to continue to feel valued at work, but I want new challenges, and I want the focus and energy to take those on. Originally, I thought I'd commit these thoughts to pen and paper, until that encounter with history the other night, so now, I will simply internalize them. And that's that. If you want to know what I am thinking, you'll have to ask...

Listening to: R.E.M. - "Fables Of The Reconstruction"