And You Are...

Been here at work now for a little over an hour. Amazingly, but not surprisingly, I am the only one here and the only one on time. In fact, a handful of people are over an hour late. Obviously, if I have time to write in my blog, then I don't need to mention how dead it is right now. I have as many work projects to do, as I have projects at home to do - and they are getting equal amounts of attention: none.

So, what's going on? It's really not easy for me to describe. On a surface level it's confusing; on a deeper level, it's a debate on the impact of Ayn Rand on modern society; in that it hurts to think about. You sort of evade some things when you elect to not define it, not discuss it, and refuse it labels. As my manager is fond of saying, "it is what it is". Okay, but what is it? Maybe I am not okay with such simplified reality, maybe I'd like a little shading on that stick figure, give me a fucking crayon, give me something. Are we benefiting by that avoidance? Do you feel better than if you said, "you are..." . That's the point I realized, it's not the definition, it's the responsibilities that are associated with labels. I don't think it's fair to call this, "living in the moment", because that suggests it is care free, and repercussions and emotions and hurt, and love, and pleasure, and joy, and experience are circumstance and devoid of depth, devoid of reaching something amazing, incapable of touching heart, incapable of setting fire to soul, uninterested in making a bond that transcends today. I am an analytical, science as religion, technogeek who refuses to subscribe to a notion that the ability to feel is a weakness, or is somehow controlled. This isn't a rant, and I am not accusing anyone of treating me this way. I do however bear witness to it daily. It goes back to what I have asked many times in my blog, why is it so hard to be honest with one another about our feelings toward one another? Why is it a bad thing? Someone told me yesterday, that they realized I was a rock in their life, and there's been times that I was the only anchor that kept them from giving up, I gave them hope. I can't describe how touched I was to hear that, but I was so struck with someone being so open and honest with me. If this person had told me that I made them feel torn down and small - I would still be struck by their honesty. People are complex, and today I may make you angry, tomorrow you may think I'm amazing. It's not about that really, it's about connecting. It's about being real and being open. You could be angry at me forever for all the times I've hurt you. Maybe it's unforgettable, but is it unforgivable? Am I capable of being selfish? Of course. I have failings like we all do. I chose to love someone despite their flaws if more often than not I feel valued, respected, and reciprocated in our relationship. A bond with someone is precious, and it's not simply undefined. We made this bond, however we came to it - with trust, with intimacy, with sacrifice, with mutual respect - it ties us together, and I am not able or wanting to simply let that go because right now there is hurt.

I have to get back to work, and I am rambling. But my lips are bruised, my tongue a pariah - so I will remain silent unless asked. Because if I have learned anything this year, it's that people don't want to know how I feel about them. Going forward, I will respect that.