Every Day

Seems kind of ridiculous, I have to do this every day, 3 or 4 times a day. My arms are shred; they hurt to the point where I am taking Advil hourly. It needs to stop. I have to stop or risk infection, and then that requires explanations; an avenue I'm not exploring. It's ridiculous and laughable. Also quite pathetic.

I walked around the neighborhood behind Dandelion yesterday for a couple of hours. Had my Tarocado, so the heat was tolerable. My mind just sort of wandered, and I allowed it to before realizing the hurt I was unfurling. Reality took hold of my throat when I found myself standing on Summerlin; a street that will never simply be Summerlin anymore. It was at one time, quite innocently home to the Gai Building, and IHOP. Now it's a scar running across my ribs and my arms. Fuck. I do not want it to be this way. I have no faculties to fix the wound or fill the hole, and I don't even desire to feel wanted by anyone else. It's nearly a week later, and all I can manage is 2 or 3 hours of sleep, and I can't do it in the bed that now mocks and betrays me... no - I have to do so on the couch or floor. Birthday seems quite happy with my choice of abandoning the bedroom - it's his room now.

So, I've done so little on this forced vacation. Haven't healed any. Had some nice distraction, but it brought me right back to thinking about the person missing from my life. Am I horrible person? I try so hard to be unexpected, caring, real, honest, and supportive - but it seems to never bring favor to my life, just a lot hurt. Maybe there is some delight in being an unfeeling, self-absorbed, douche and asshole. Fuck and follow, and never feel. Had coffee and a movie with a friend; going to have lunch with the work wife; got the car serviced; and bought some art. With only the weekend left to go, I am quite certain I will not be in a functional state come Monday. I understand why people go to work drunk or high - it seems like a great idea right now, because I am not going to have the focus to do my job.

Ugh, fuck, even my thoughts are muddled about this. I'm incoherent and just need to stop trying to articulate them until a later date. I really wanted a road trip to St. Augustine this week, but money and then plans derailed that. Maybe Sunday. I need to go escape somewhere comforting, because right now, that is not here.