For someone stagnating as much as I have for as long as I have, it's difficult to say where one year ended and another began. I could probably filter back through FB/IG posts and determine events as they happened. Vague posting is effective in conveying how I felt without specifically detailing the circumstances themselves.
Predatory thoughts often graft themselves much more perniciously than the graces we encounter. I've been off for a number of days now, and if I didn't try to write what was on my mind while the time allowed, it may fall away into darkness. I'm rarely reflective as an annual practice; something about ritualizing the transference of thoughts to text as part of some expanding narrative feels vacant. For me, it feels like visiting a museum of moments, and the contextual fibers that bind those memories are lost. That may be an aspect of my autism.
The failures of this year are primarily of my own devices. Still alone, still not in my best health, still broke, still chasing ghosts. I fully acknowledge that I invested a lot of my heart into a situation that under the best of circumstances would have been fleeting. Of course, "best" was never going to be a reality; and as such, I've spent many nights, last night included, fighting intrusive thoughts. Allowing myself to accept that I will never be enough for this person has been my darkest journey this year. Again, let's be clear, this is a pilgrimage of my own manufacturing; all parties aware of the itinerary, but only myself clearly stating intent. As the new year falls, hopes no longer wane; they lay, shattered. I've no road left, and the gifted hand rests in foreign heart. She is the first thought of every day, and my waning thoughts before sleep takes hold.
If anything was unexpected this year, it was the arrival of two people into my life that have given me soft landings, and much needed doses of reality. A new employee at work early in the year immediately earned my respect with her biting sarcasm and sense of humor. I kicked open the door into her life, and we've developed one of the most sincere and unflinching friendships I've maybe ever had. She doesn't pull her punches when they are warranted, but she's always careful to not beat me up with honesty. Our relationship despite it's limitations has been bi-laterally nourishing. The bond between us feels like one that will always have been meaningful for both of us, even if our paths diverge... which I anticipate sooner than later.
Through Threads, I met Morgan. A friend I made without the crutch of having mutual friends, a work connection, or even a familiarity of one another. It started as a seedling and grew into a relationship I respect and rely upon. It continues to be nourishing, and I am excited to see where we are as friends this time next year. It often feels like we are figuring out "what the fuck" on parallels; she however exhibits a bravery I've only dreamed of.
That's enough for today. Maybe more thoughts tomorrow.
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