Everything

 About a week ago, maybe two weeks ago, I was feeling fairly positive about most things. The raise helped, for sure. I felt like my new friendship and existing friendships were in a fairly good place. This week however, everyday has been a slow escalation of anxiety and stress levels. I'm struggling to know what to attribute it to. Several of my friends are dealing with some shit that I myself have been through more than once, and I am allowing the gravity of those experiences to be my own, but not to the extent that it's a shared emotion. I suppose that's the definition of empathy. Helpless is how I feel, I don't have the resources to fix these situations, and I'm at a loss to offer plausible avenues out of them - I simply have the practical realizations I experienced and have shared those moments. No one is asking me for answers, or even asking me for advice - they simply need to express what they are feeling, and that's something hard for me... I want to help everyone I care about and I can't. An aspect of this self-internalizing other's problems is a defect my mom bestowed upon me. She is the one that tries to solve all of my problems with her own research, and I do the same damn thing... everything from trying to make a friend's spouse have a good birthday, to the big shit, like I am unemployed and nearly damn homeless. For as long as I can remember, I have woven my efforts at happiness into ensuring that everyone around me shares the experience. And in instances where I am unable to provide resolve to their matter at hand, I forbid myself from enjoying anything. It feels unfair - and that is my undying root... the one that breaks the driveway and pushes your house off of it's foundation. Not sure who to thank for that quality.

Right now, I'm assessing if anyone (sans family) - has ever cared about me to that extent. The fucked up thing, is that I've normalized it. I'm circling the fact that what I give, I want in return, like it's normal and healthy. I'm rationalizing that you shouldn't be happy if I am not happy. One of my friends is actively doing this (not towards me); and I repeatedly caution her on this behavior. I'm great at recognizing errant patterns, while insulating myself against self-awareness and self-care.

My desperation for solid friendship means that I cannot eliminate those that truly do not value me. Their life is unchanged by my presence in it, other than they have to devote time to coaxing my feckless brain back into a sleep state. I'm fully cognizant of how exhausting that must be. Incrementally, I am accepting that I will never be a normal person with or without therapy. There is not enough time. Whether it's the autism, or childhood abuse, or a lifetime of manipulation; I chose the pill of reality and I often wonder how good the steak could taste if it had been different? 

Should I have someone in my life that seemingly doesn't need me, should I expect to feel like I matter to someone? Is that vanity? I don't have casual relationships outside of co-worker scenarios. I don't see the value in sharing an exchange of energy if it isn't somehow transformative to us. When I fantasize about a relationship, all of my transgressions are a part of my machinations - I don't envision the care I want to receive, I imagine the care I could give to another. It's remarkable how little self-worth I've allowed myself. Over time I envision it as that gelatinous goo that was fed by anger in Ghostbusters II, or this growing black mass that inhabits my skin, slowly eradicating my healthy cells as it nurses on my darkest thoughts. 

Everything must be validated and instant; not for any other reason than I know, given time, I will fail. I will infect whatever it is with my cancer and prop up my self-worth until the whole thing is decayed. The idea that I rot a healthy thing with how I know to love is such a pernicious affirmation of my own failures I see myself as that circle in the Romanian forest where nothing will grow; haunted; cursed; dark; unnatural. 

That's really all I have to say right now. I'm not leaving anything on the table, truth is, I don't know why this week has been so bad. It could just be a side-effect of meds for all I know. I hope everyone is well and happy -