Two Days

 As written last night (this morning), there are additional events that are testing my faith in the faithless. Maybe beginning with a bundled triumph/failure is the best place to begin. As part of my new career, it is required by law for me to be licensed in the insurance industry. It's the same licensing that an agent that sells insurance would have, but my role does not involve sales. Anyway - I was struggling intensely with my training material. I was memorizing patterns (see autism) instead of learning - this was evident when I'd fail the initial test and then pass all subsequent retests. In an effort to overwhelm pattern memorization, I created a 250 question exam. Anyone observing would think I was some type of insurance savant. I did not have the patience to reorder the answers which I had done on my previous licensing exam. My depression was as such, that I had convinced myself that if I did not pass the exam I would be terminated; yet, I couldn't be bothered to provide myself with the best opportunity to pass. As the day of testing approached, I made the fool's bargain of saying to the universe, "if I pass, I'll stop self-harming" - as if they even shared a bed or schedule. Unlike my first test, this one was in as a remote testing center as one could muster, and I had the entire center to myself. When I arrived at a question I was unsure about, I didn't dwell on it; I went with my gut and moved forward. I had 90 minutes, I was done in 20. No one would have been more surprised than I that I passed. Sadly, the don't give you a score, it's pass/fail. I was very happy that day. And did I honor my deal with the great unknown... no. Perhaps... this is why I subsequently received an infection. Is the universe a vengeful force as well?

Next.

Most recently, my son and his girlfriend visited. This was a package of excitement and anxiety; and somehow I managed to do something right. I will explain. Seeing my son wasn't the source of my anxious thoughts, it was meeting someone new. This person, whom my son is emotionally and physically invested in; what if she does not enjoy my company; what if she feels seeing me in the future is a chore? That will certainly negatively impact how often and how long I see my son. I certainly do not wish to be a bad host or company for anyone, I wanted her to enjoy her visit as much as my son. So, that was a bit of pressure for me. Awkward and odd are my subject matter expertise. For the first few hours, the girlfriend seemed unimpressed and unengaged; but over dinner, she challenged me directly on my Radiohead deficiencies. The remainder of their visit went extremely well in my opinion. They are even discussing moving here in a year's time, which would be life changing for me. Why am I bringing this up, what does it have to do with celestial alignments?! Right now, I am still mired in the quicksand, evaluating my rescue is less a focus than my survival. Am I click-clacking up the rollercoaster's steep hill, or is this one of many loops, or am I tearing ass through it's deepest recesses? These events collectively, I could postulate, arrived as a buoy just as I was drowning. A religious or spiritual person would argue exactly this. I'm honestly questioning the timing as too precise; and I am also bargaining that it's enough and it's reached it finality. I don't know the answer to any of these things. One clue I have (a key maybe), is that I am practicing what I will call "Yes Man" or "Reverse George" efforts. Where generally, I will see something I want to do, or recognize something I should so, and then upon arrival, navigate my way out of it. Perfect example of this was the recent Pixies concert. I've done this most of my life. The anxiety I build around an event is so great that I make myself sick in dwelling on it. There have been some recent moments where I just did that thing. A funeral for a work colleague, driving to Greenville to help a friend (twice), changing phone carriers (again), going to work events outside the office, adventuring out alone on my birthday, and going to the Spruce Pine UFO Festival. I cannot argue that all of these moments returned positive results. I'm fully aware that it will not always be that way. Can I overcome trepidation with practice? In ignoring inner pessimist, can I train this person to speak only when it's important? Do I need to hear from you that parking is going to be a nightmare; most people do not worry about this. 

I mentioned UFO. 

A UFO Festival in Spruce Pine! I very nearly talked myself out of this, and in retrospect, the gravity of what I would have missed is difficult to comprehend. This was my first ever UFO Festival, and in terms of UFO Festivals, I think it was decent. Mostly people with cheap Chinese products that they adorned with stolen images from the internet. Also a flea market/farmers market vibe. I did buy some original art, so that was exciting! I also stopped at a booth that did terrariums in apothecary glass. The couple running the booth had familiarity to me, and I spoke with them for 5-10 minutes and moved on. As I was leaving, I saw their booth again and stopped by, trying to decide if I was taking home an additional piece of art. In speaking with the husband, I was struck by the familiarity of his voice and I quickly put a puzzle together. I asked him, "Did you once live in St. Petersburg, FL?"

"Well, I lived in Tarpon Springs." - this is about an hour north of St. Petersburg.

"Did you once work at Dunkin Donuts, making donuts at 3 AM?"

"Yes, ha ha, how do you know that?!" - Man in Black here, asking you very specific questions about your past.

"Did you once work the overnight shift at Home Shopping Network?"

"Uh, yes, do you know me or something?"

"Are you Jeff?"

"Yes! What?!"

"We worked together at Home Shopping. I am Ron."

So - that happened. Someone I have not seen in 25-30 years, that I would with for less than a year, but had a good friendship with, was at a UFO Festival in Spruce Pine, NC, and I ran into him and recognized him. Please tell me, what are those odds? The 2010 census for Spruce Pine, NC was 2175 residents. It turns out, Jeff lives in Hot Springs, NC, population 560, and an hour away from Burnsville, NC. Please someone, calculate the odds for me. When I think about all of the things that have happened in 25 years that have resulted in me being here, and I do something out of my "comfort" zone to attend a UFO Festival to find a friend I lost touch with about half my life ago - is this simply coincidence?

Here we are. It's not a singular moment. All of these things wrapping about either out of coincidence, or out of formulation. Some force battling against my instincts and fading will to build a foundation upon which to stand. What is this? Maybe... maybe - I can relent to my influence on these events, wrapping the thinnest of tethers around desires, and slowly pulling them forth. If, unconsciously, I lay these paths, what then of all the connections that failed without my knowledge. In this scenario, it's not a force beyond sheer will that brought them to fruition. What then of Jeff? This surely was not a bridge which I've labored upon for more than 25 years. It's sheer coincidence or its intervention; what else is there to explain it. And when I stop for just a moment to think, had I simply not gone, I would never know any of this. How many times in my life did I evade an opportunity such as this out of complacency? I think I could drive myself mad and into misery calculating that. 

This is where I close. It's a lot for me to ponder. I know at least, I will not take these gifts for granted... even if I remain oblivious to the benefactor.

Listening to: Einstürzende Neubauten - "Silence Is Sexy"