...one about mistakes, and repeating one's self, or how fools and history are partners in criminal acts against one's self. I am indeed a fool; a muted fool that cannot find words enough to pronounce that this house is on fire. Yes, I made mistakes, and I have failings (obvious as they are, I am jaded to them) - but the whole sum of the past decade was not in vain, and I am a much different and better person emerging from it. I am also, however, fully broken. I allowed empathy, (my most prized possession), swallow every thought, every worry, and slay every fear... and here I am; once again, alone.
New city, another new city (town, actually), new job, another new job, and soon to be single. In debt to whatever that ceiling is, and starting over in absolutely every regard. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about giving up. It feels like the kind of mountain I will spend the rest of my life climbing. I'm afraid to read those old posts, where I found myself newly alone and single last time... how long was it before I broke? Did I break instantly, or did the darkness take it's time filling in the cracks until there was only blackness and self-destruction?
There are differences this time. I have a son who I love with all my heart. I still have a family with the Braden's, ... it's just ill-defined at this time. But there's nowhere to go... I do not have foundations anywhere. Connections I had, soured with selfishness, or jealousy, or a scorched-earth approach brought on by my endless chasm of needing to feel needed. My friendships, relationships, and in-betweens read like trashy dime novels dripping with clichés and unfulfilled plot points. It's only allure is a flashy cover, but even that no longer holds much value... bent cover, missing pages, and it's filled with receipts detached from substance.
What haven't I done? Filmed fuck all for a year. I was working on an album cover, but that's turned into months of silence. I was editing a podcast, that went sideways and awkward because I used words again. I know what happens if I don't do something... and I don't think I will survive another round with that.
There have been little seasonings that give me hope. A conversation with the VP of my job put my fears to bed about my salary. My friends (though all remote) - have stepped up the checking on me game, which has helped tremendously on my worst days. I'm trying to sew up some frayed relationships. And I also have an awesome landlord! I'm not going to entertain that it was "time" or "this was meant to be" - this sucks, and I wasn't prepared for any of it. It has many times been all bad, and it's very easy to slip into feeling it's all pointless going forward. I will say this... when I see the perseverance of others, what they go through and endure (whatever that is) and they move forward... my pity party is inconsequential and I am fully able to get past this and be a human being. Maybe I won't ever find love again, and that's depressing to think about, but I am capable of love. And I need to prove to myself that I am capable of healing and being alone without feeling like a failure or broken.
That's really all I have to say right now... I have to be up early for work, and it's an hour's drive to get there. So... buttons.
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