How it is I'm Dying - in Much Too Many Words

Four-and-a-half years later. Here I am, what's left of me. 2015, that year that uplifted me and brought the greatest gifts, and then betrayed and broke me. These years since have set me on a path of illness, depression, and physical dependence, while also unraveling mysteries that have chased me since childhood. The milestone list is so long, that I don't know yet how to jump back in to consistent writing while expanding on all of the events, learning, and tragedies that fill the narrative. I don't even think I can remember everything, and I am only documenting this now because I am afraid it's going to be lost. My reality is, in this moment, I am very close to death... teasing with it nightly. Why it's come this far is solely by my own creation and negligence of self-worth. I'll explain all of that - and I will attempt to do so as quickly as I am able. I'm past the embarrassment of what I've become, and it's important to me to leave a record of how I got here so even in my absence, MY words fill the gaps. I'm not pretending to understand everything, I may not even have time to figure it all out, but I do have the experiences to share, so I shall.

Probably the best place to start is with the grim reaper that waits for me nightly. I don't believe it to be alone, it has several friends that I gladly invited to the party that is my life, but it's the one that, if left unchecked, WILL definitely kill me. Someone I work with, a little older than I am, told me a personal story that unlocked for me the answer to a mystery that I wasn't even aware I had written. Suddenly, I had clues/puzzle pieces fitting together in a flash of thought:

• Depression/Lack of Clear Thought
• Years of Complaints About How Loud I Snored
• Anecdotal Stories About How I Stop Breathing When I Sleep
• A Sense Of Levitating When I Sleep
• High Blood Pressure
• Difficulty Rationalizing
• Frightening Level of Anger at Tremendously Stupid Things
• A Level of Fatigue that has Reached a Point of being Unable to Stay Awake at Work.
• Weight Gain Despite No Change in Diet
• My New Fitbit Telling me I Slept for 1.5 Hours, When I Slept for 7 or More Hours.
• Paranoia
• Organs Failing
• Unexplained Skin Irritations/Chronic Hives
• Allergies Cropping Up Seemingly Overnight

My peer told a story that involved degenerating health in a whole host of ways brought on by a lack of sleep. A lack of sleep that was the direct result of having sleep apnea. This light bulb of knowledge was quickly followed by the light bulb of reality. If, I do indeed have sleep apnea - I've had it for a very long time, decades, and it's gone unchecked, and untreated. I was fully aware then and now that people die from sleep apnea-related problems regularly. Maybe even if they are being treated. I don't know, because I've yet to schedule a sleep study or get the ball rolling in any fashion despite the danger to myself and what my sudden death would do to my loved ones. Again - this is only one of several things lurking about that wishes me harm. I've carried this knowledge around for about three years now, and it's only been in the last year that my concerns have grown. Learning about what a real lack of sleep does to the body and mind over time is terrifying... and this is a sad reality for untreated sufferers of sleep apnea. You are getting about one-fifth or less of the sleep you think you are getting. It will slowly start to destroy you.

Here is some information from Healthline:

I've experienced everything on the chart except Adult Asthma. If I check that box - is the next one Death? What generally happens to sufferers, is that they stop breathing, they go into cardiac arrests, and they expire. It's pretty insidious in this fashion. The loud snoring usually means that you are sleeping alone; on the couch or in a spare bedroom, or you are simply just alone. No one is around when you stop breathing, or if they are, they are accustomed to it - and no one is aware you've gone into cardiac arrest. Frankly it's terrifying. It alienates you and then kills you - only there isn't a priest that can exorcise this demon. A lot of sufferers die in car accidents because of the sudden onset of the mind forcing you to sleep. It's this exactly that has been most alarming to me - at least once a day - my mind tries to force me to sleep. It's almost like what I've seen from people who suffer from Narcolepsy. It's sudden, it's hardly preventable, and it's fucking embarrassing. If I'm able to get to my feet and move around, I can defer the onset, but that's not always a reality.I am somebody that has a strong work-ethic, I believe in being at work, doing what's expected of you and I expect that of my team. The fact that I am having to deal with this is soul-crushing... and as fucked up as my logic is, it's embarrassment, not death that has motivated me to write about this and seek help.

I have a staff member out on medical leave right now, when he returns, I am going to start on the path to correct this. The friend that unlocked this mystery to me has told me what a world of difference it has been for him in getting treated. When you've gone so long without a full night of sleep (YEARS) - you don't even remember what it feels like to be rested. He's had clarity of thought, he wasn't even aware how lacking it was. He can drive a long distance without fear of nodding off. I don't know what other symptoms he had - but if I could erase the check marks out of half of my boxes, that would give me hope.

I have a lot of things to work on, this one is probably the most serious. It's probably at the root of a lot of the paths I find myself on, but I know with certainty, where this particular path ends if I don't turn around. I've always put the needs of others before my own, especially in health matters, and if I choose to keep that mindset, I am going to die. I may as well admit to killing myself. I obviously can't wait for Universal Healthcare - thank you store-bought Democrats.

It's important to state: I am not diagnosed by a sleep specialist, but I feel with 100% certainty this is what I have. At the very least, I need to know. If you are someone that is experiencing some of the same things that I listed above, please seek to have a sleep study done. Insurance companies in the U.S. tend to be skeptical because the equipment in treating sleep apnea can be costly, so they require a sleep study be done. Get the ball rolling. If you have been told your snoring is ridiculously loud, if you've been told you stop breathing at night, if you think your fitbit has lost it's fucking mind because you know you are getting more sleep than 1.5 hours a night - these are some of the red flags that you might have sleep apnea. I wish I would have had the tools to piece all this together years ago, but I ignored them as one-off situations from someone bitter because I disrupted their sleep.

I am the most procrastinating person you'll ever meet when it comes to self-worth. I am going to do this, you can do this too. I'm going to write about it here, and I'd love to hear that someone out there read this and is going to do the same. Take care and sleep well... I've said that so often to others with no idea how little sleep I was getting myself.