Coming Forth

In December of ‘08 - I had an inner dialougue that I wasn’t able to shake. I ignored it for awhile, but it kept offering me reminders - and the moment I listened to a single idea it had to share it was like a waterfall effect. The me inside of me was warning me of a drastic change and either I could prepare for it or not…regardless of what I did it was coming. I witnessed for lack of better phrasing - the ghosts of what was to come dance around me; taunt me; brutalize me. In part - the change was already set in motion… a decision to take a severance package or move to Orlando and remain employed. Had the economy been anything but nose-diving, I might of settled on the money… and a promise from a friend to get me a job (which I know now would have never come to fruition). Anyway - my wife and I are here since February 2009 in Orlando. Not much to offer when your view of the world is dim and narrow. It took a lot of upheaval, hurt, betrayal and figuring out what really is important to shake the bindings of broken tongues. Here I am now - seriously in disbelief how much it is different from now to Dec. ‘08. We have friends, we have people we go see and things we go out and do; people we look forward to seeing; and places that we’ve attached ourselves to. Orlando is our home now, we belong here and want to be here. God willing, we’ll even buy a home here. Nothing about where we were echoed those feelings - we were portraits of complacency and shattered will.

I’m admittedly poor at learning lessons, I’m sure it’s why Allisin comes around to this day, she’s a reminder of the shell within which I’ve buried a lot of my life, a lot of my anger, lessons, words, wants, and identity. She’s a reminder of what’s untouched at my own volition. The depth is so immense, that I have lost touch with some of those memories, yet I wear the scars as if painted on just yesterday. It’s not enough to say ‘let it all out”, certainly not so simple. Half of me says it’s a disservice to even attempt reclamation of yesterday - when there is so much to enjoy about today. I would have never gotten here to this warm, comfortable place alone. I’m not resolute with the intangible anymore - I need to see, hear and feel the space between you and I fill with the warmth of your words, the depth in your eyes, and the stories that brought you here within arm’s reach. Whether I’ll be fixed or grounded phantom doesn’t seem so important to me - it’s more a matter of whether those moments going forward are genuine and felt and more importantly… memorable.